Phd Year 6: P’unllalla

Current Mood:

LISTEN TO BLACK\NATIVE YOUTH * LISTEN TO BLACK\NATIVE YOUTH

🧿Need more creative comrades with conviction around me 🧿

Not just a craving, in order to thrive, I need to be surrounded by Black and Brown folxs and White comrades who are purposeful with their day-to-day life choices. Who are earnest about praxis. Who are committed to the thriving of Black and Brown folxs. Academics are NOT leading the revolution. A great many simply want to be in control, to be like White men, to feel power. Ugggh y duele – the POC who want “a seat at the table” or who aspire to be the 1% or a celebrated, influencer, best-selling, thirst-followed, fangirled, likes-ho… whatever it is that tickles your consumerist cappie White wannabe lifestyle… so very sad… some yall proudly show off your chains!! Many others simply want to fit in, to jump on the bandwagon, to find their place since they have none outside of PWIs. The most disappointing realization I’ve had in the past 5 years is that a lot of folxs I looked up to or hoped to learn alongside going in to PhD studies have more in common with the PWI than I – and they like it. I did not choose PhD studies to learn who I am or what I’m about. Everyone knows who I am and what I’m about, me first.

I came to expand who I am and what I’m about, to build with like-minds

Black Indigenous Liberation

Forgive and forget?

Excuse me while I vomit over here

the Black elite are not the vanguard (Mallett, 2020; Rennie-Hill, 1995)

Left Onodaga Lands for Seminoles on October 7

#LovecraftCountry Syllabi is what I need more of

Life is better than ever as I sift thru and remove the decay

need some more worms to help break apart, break down, essential-ize

I spend most of my days reading writing doing artivism and now SLEEPING much more!!

Nearing 36 I live my life EXACTLY how I want

it ain’t easy

I love the struggle tho

Vivo a mi manera

Yupaychani Pachamama

The struggle is literal

it’s not only on holidays that we honor the dead and other living beings

we don’t kill for decorations or waste selfishly or spend and pray on designated cappie days

COVID19 is still taking lives

On Indigenous People’s Day, A group of us (>50) were surrounded 360 by about 30 cops after a group of old White folxs called them when we met at Cristobal Colon statue with red paint, which washed out in the rain just as the fuzz and their weapons arrived on bike

Heh, I currently work part time earning less money than I’ve ever made, without any benefits but I am at my happiest working for an amazing incredible scholar and person – for the 2nd time in my life I feel humanized at work. I feel valued, intelligent…. Cops scare me, have abused me irl, but I don’t give a fuck.

I know where I ought be

The choir sings
And la da di la di da da da, dah
Only he can save my soul
And I know the money don’t really make me whole
The magazine covers drenched in gold
The dreams of granny in mansion and happy
The little things I need to save my soul

Africans were enslaved and brought to Ecuador 467 years ago. 123 years ago Jamaicans and Central Americans were recruited to Ecuador to build “the most challenging and expensive” railway system in la Nariz del Diablo commissioned by Eloy Alfaro (I just bought and will start soon Luz Argentina Chiriboga‘s book).

A shitton of folxs learn(ed):

Latin American = roots in the Americas

Hispanic = roots in Spain

Afrodescendant = roots in Africa

Chican@ = U.S. person with Mexican ancestry (can be Hispanic, Latinx and or have Afrodescent)

Hispanófono = Spanish speaking

Lusófono = Portuguese speaking

Anglophone = English speaking
But “Latinx” now means non-Black and non-Indigenous?

If your relationship to land is hella White, your religion is hella White, your customs and traditions are hella White (and match the gregorian calendar’s, named after a pope of your faith), your values are hella White and your food is hella White, sorryNotsorry, you WHITE (and your skin [and blood quantum] is also actually White, don’t front, we can all see you!!)


I literally voted so They would stop harassing me. Yall don’t remember Bush? Not talkin to yer folxs about 45 4 years ago?

This ain’t Chile. Or Bolivia. O mi Ecuador :/

LISTEN TO BLACK\NATIVE YOUTH * LISTEN TO BLACK\NATIVE YOUTH

YALL SOOOO BORING

SOOOOOOOOOOOO boring. (White and yt-wannabes) Millenials are much too fake dramatic for me!!

Yes, you’re right. This life is not financially rewarding. You will not gain any more respect or be congratulated publicly. Shit is very emotionally, physically, financially, socially draining in real life. Yes. And we knew you’d jump in conveniently (and to spice up your boringass resume) and then we knew yalld burn out. yall come and go. your struggle is momentary. your bougie can’t handle the proletariat. you don’t know ratchet in real life only in your entertainment choices when you’re in public’s view or earshot. Yes. We seen you yesterday doing nothing. Nothing has changed. You are exactly who you been all along.

Fuck all yall is how I feel at the moment when people are talking (again) about “leaving the country if whatshisnastyWhiteface wins”. Like we never had a racist misogynist piece of shit in office.

You’re worried about a fucking fascist motherfucker NOW?!

WHY NOW?

What changed for you all a sudden?

“If you voted for 45, swipe right” – SHUT THE FUCK UP. THAT’S NOT A PERSONALITY TYPE. You’re just a voter. Every 4 years and occasionally when your more-woke gf tells you to. so that no one sees you being racist in public. or on paper.

oh, your activism extends beyond what you get paid to do? you also do charity for your church? Pssst, church is exactly colonialism. You ain’t radical to nobody!!

LISTEN TO BLACK\NATIVE YOUTH * LISTEN TO BLACK\NATIVE YOUTH

YOUR EGO shit is interrupting the REVOLUTION

the revolution didn’t start with me

ya me ojearon una vez

yall so fuckin gross stubborn about shit you ain’t ever been about till today

yall so fuckin attention-hungry

yall so fuckin BORING

LISTEN TO BLACK\NATIVE YOUTH * LISTEN TO BLACK\NATIVE YOUTH

that’s all I’m about to continue to say about all this nonsense liberal fearmongering

and also

2020 Kaypacha – 210 Covid19 days in PhD Yr 6

Current mood: Lovecraft Country

I appeared on Abya Yala under a waxing crescent aquarius moon 13,056 days ago

23:06 was recorded as an extremely fierce arctic outbreak occurred on the day that I arrived

My powerful and glorious Luz had a plan siguiendo el camino de Alina y el Joso

My brilliant and visionary Líder had a plan siguiendo los pasos de Asturia y Manuel

They gifted me many powers that became and are becoming

sensing seeing feeling thinking smelling

el Condor, el Puma, la Serpientes y les chupaflor (picaflor) me guian

la mariposa signifies transformation

I am already in and on my way

developing

A butterfly chilled with me just now

I shall join the process and enjoy it.

At the very moment (when I wrote this 2 days ago) there is an intense downpour on the Seminole Lands with whom I visit and share

also metaphorically

I am full

My mind, body and spirit estan llenos de plátano asado con atún

I see a clearer safer, more love-filled and more just path from here until then and there

Tulsa showed me the same symbols again and again

no sé que cómo donde cuando exácto

Empieza mi viaje en la carretera
Por fin camino sóla en mi casita con ruedas
El tiempo será pa’ mi lo que yo quiera que sea
Nunca un nido, nunca un muro
Sólo lo que yo quiera

Recorro montañas, desiertos, ciudades enteras
No tengo ninguna prisa
Paro donde quiera
La música que llevo será mi compañera

Aprendí a escuchar las noches
No pienso enterrar mis dolores
Pa’ que duelan menos
Voy a sacarlo de dentro cerca del mar
Pa’ que se lo lleve el viento

Anishinaabewaki was full of pain in various realms of knowing at once and immediately

Must I have experienced that

That way…

Nonetheless

Here

I Am

I persist because I am resilient and strong and brilliant and just-filled and love-filled

Joy-filled Inventory for 2020 thus far:

More profound self love and self respect ✔️

Deeper relationships ✔️

SDnR ✔️

Artivism every place I stop ✔️

Travel (3 countries and 18 states since January) ✔️

Honorable, dignified job, incredible boss ✔️

That ABD life ✔️

2 Fellowships, 2 more substantial ones maybe coming ✔️

The World is Almost Ready for What I Got Comin 😉

Pichincha

Total cases 50,858Recovered-Deaths 1,729

EcuadorEcuador

Total cases 156K+692Recovered 134KDeaths 12,453+9
86% recovery rate!!

WorldwideWorldwide

Total cases 41.1M+297KRecovered 28MDeaths 1.13M+4,028
68% recovery rate!!

Statement of Purpose

Current Mood: Xibalba x Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet

I have been blessed with clairvoyance, deep empathy and uncanny intuition. Me han guido muy, pero muy bien los parientes antepasados. Better yet, my loved ones love me magical. I perceive even the tiniest details (whether or not I act like it 😉 and I am brilliant at deciphering all kinds of puzzles. Best of all I have learned from mi gente to love deeply, honestly, kindly.

I AM REVOLUTIONARY LOVE

I AM HERE TO BIRTH, NURTURE, NOURISH AND EXPAND OUR COLLECTIVE THRIVING

THIS VERY MOMENT FILLS ME OF LOVE APPRECIATION AND GRATITUDE FOR THE NOW * EVERYTHING IS SLOWING DOWN * MORE WORDS AND CONCEPTS ARE BEING INVENTED FOR OUR CHANGING WORLD * I AM CHANGE * I AM EXACTLY THE CHANGE I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR * I AM EXACTLY WHO I OUGHT BE

🌱 YA VIENE LA COSECHA 🌿

reaping what I’ve sown

Before obtaining my Ph.D. at Michigan State, I have achieved my goals of writing antiracist early childhood curriculum for wages. My next goal is to make a comfortable living (substantially more than with my MS.Ed.) building and running an Artivist Wellness Space (in Black and Brown spaces with my partner, family, and or a collective in NY, Florida, Tulsa, Detroit, Flint, New Orleans, L.A…).

28 Aug – 13 Sept changes in COVID19 numbers

Ingham County

“According to the health department, positive test cases linked to MSU now total at least 342 since Aug. 24, when students began returning to the community in greater numbers. That compares to 23 positive cases related to MSU in the three weeks before that.”

Total cases 2,525+101Recovered-Deaths 42+0

Michigan

Total cases 123K+729Recovered-Deaths 6,912+12

United States

Total cases 6.5M+39,184Recovered-Deaths 194K+698

Worldwide

Total cases 28.9MRecovered 19.5MDeaths 922K

100 days of Internalized Racial Gender and Sexual Inferiority

yo

authentic self

Current Mood:

If any readers know me in real life and want to fill out 3 questions anonymously, there’s this:

About Me, An Inventory

Nice-sounding words I’ve thought about myself in various times and spaces included: pulchritudinous, good vibe, ratchet, honest, full of integrity, delicious, wacky, awe-inspiring, admirable, incredible, alluring, wise, a trip and a half, brilliant, ho, sloooooW, appealing, attractive, beautiful, smart, bewitching, charming, generous, fun, cute, harmonious, tasty, dazzling, quick, delightful, enticing, revolutionary, excellent, fascinating, foxy, good-looking, amazing, magical, sexy, adventurous, slutty, powerful, weird…

I should be dignified

I am

Red and Brown and Black and White

in so many iterations

India Negra Mulata Mestiza Montubia

oyen inglés

y escupen gringa, coconut, white-washed, prieta, chola

oyen español

hispanic spic beaner wetback prairieni**er latina/o/e/x border-crosser illegal immigrant who swam over

I am

my hair journey?

mis chorros de chorrona, rizos, curls, spirals, ringlets

Curl patterns hair textures hair densities hair porosity proteins sensitivity

3A/B/C curly spirally medium porosity texture density and some protein?

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within

Untamed rowdy loud big nappy unprofessional unattractive and unclean hair

Is that your real hair? No way!

Just keep it back and away from our gaze

I am

a body dysmorphic disorder?

talk white, act white

bell pepper nose

Prieta machona tosca gruesa gorda gordita gordota masculina/e machona parece-pata broad shoulders itty bitty titties mosquito bites manly androgynous body of a twelve year old boy flabby flat-ass fat chubby no-neck too masc tomboy fat tight pu**y not femme enough wide fat hands thick fred-flinstone-feet must be Brazilian or Puerto Rican or Dominican

I am

sexually deviant?

Fuck like a man squeal like a girl cum too fast too slow moan too loud been with too many dudes hides women and gnc guarra dom and sub nympho Queer enough true switch not vanilla thirsty exotic lesbo erotic sensual wild untameable side piece pata the other woman fuckable but not marriage-material dyke sister-like friends-only but with benefits sometimes vulgar uncouth slut commie savage third world porch ni**er welfare queen mequetrefe pandillera hood ratchet gangsta grunge freaky thug asking-for-it always-wants-it

Yes and No

either

sometimes

nope

Soy

PRIMERA LUZ DEL DÍA

I love learning how to love

I wander and wonder to learn

I like to build community around shared liberation dreams

I am passionate about  expressing myself in a multitude of ways

I create, build, nurture, fight, nourish and write along the way about everything all the time on all kinds of surfaces with all different kinds of materials

I sang in choir, played chimes, piano, guitar, ukulele, basketball, volleyball, track, yoga, fútbol, climbed rocks, bouldered, Ultimate, half marathons, football, hike, swim….

My degrees, hobbies, affiliations, kin are not required

EVERYONE DESERVES FOOD CLOTHING SHELTER EDUCATION ART

———————————————————————

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Manabas are

and always have been

here

since time immemorial

We are endemic to this continent

We mixed with Africans and Europeans who came just a few hundred years ago

I will not be explaining this to anyone anymore.

#hatersgonnahate

Fuck the academicization of my lived experiences

or

dealing with those trying to project their confused state of being on me

Participation in, with and for White European religions, patriarchy, capitalism, elitism/exclusivity/classism, rules, professionalism, is directly harmful to Black and Brown bodies. The material consequences of having proximity to Blackness everywhere (especially on this Land) includes dehumanizing and violence in many forms such as all this that I’ve experienced K-PHD:

  1. name policing
  2. phenotype policing
  3. language policing (speaking both Spanish and AAL is a double-edged sword and then White-accent mandated)
  4. Afro Indigenous religion ostracizing 
  5. security stalkers
  6. actual police being called on/about/to deal with me
  7. being followed by the police
  8. space allocation/removal
  9. assumed family dynamics
  10. assumed criminal behavior
  11. assumed life path
  12. stop and frisk
  13. divestment in my education, health, protection, basic care and concern (birth)

Do I see my experience as the U.S. Black experience? NO

Today I call myself Brown

still

BLACK LIVES MATTER and all that I am fights for Black Lives to Matter

Our epistemology and ontology is mixed and my family/community are racialized as both and either Black or Brown because race is not objective, inherent, or fixed. That is how and why I am currently racialized as either and both Black and Brown because race is a social construct that is not static. So, do I have Black phenotype? NO and YES depending on who you ask (light-skinned Indigenous folxs told me I’m “definitely Black in Tulsa”; White midwest dude said he thought I was “Latinx” as though it were a race)

It is a miXed varYing experience of Liminal o5ci\\@ting  s p a c e s

*People who do not protect or see/hear my body or police my body are unsafe

**You are not allowed in my life

punto final

85 días de testimonio

Current mood: Focus: Black Oklahoma

TO LOVE ON, DEFEND, PROTECT GREENWOOD

i am here

En tiempos antiguos cuando habia un muerto se quedaban los familiares en el hogar de el muerto hasta el alba. Se les cocinaba bastante aguado de gallina para sostener todos los familiares y para ayudar mantener despiertos los que amancecen con el cuerpo.

En esos tiempos se utilizaba piñon e higuerilla para hacer los jabones para limpiar y para que uno se bañe.

It is a privilege that my lived experiences are not always Black. My life experiences have been marred by physical, sexual and mental assaults due to my proximity to Blackness and my gender presentation.  Also, I am sometimes safe due to my gender and racial  ambiguousness. This is not an application for the Oppression Olympics, I’m just contemplating how I’ve made it to 35 when so many Black and Brown folxs have not. The average life expectancy of Trans Black people is 35.

How can we nourish ALL Black Lives?

I am very fortunate that I was schooled by my elders plus public and private schools in 3 states and 2 countries. I realize this as schools scramble to now inject some stories (they wrote) about my ancestors to check off the “diversity” boxes.

Last year when I’d wander off – through a lot of autumn – I would end up at graveyards. I sent photos to las Amigas del Alma group and a few other friends. I don’t know how to read dreams completely but I’ve got an accuracy in messages many times in the past including pregancies, births, deaths and divorces and a bunch of silly shit like hook-ups.

For most of Spring now (Summer viene) I’ve been seeing vultures and various black birds including getting my car shat on by some today. I’ve been dreaming of cats – Tiernx, in particular – probably since last year they were my travel companion and il me manque. Recently I’ve been seeing snakes in waking life and dormant and the other day when I was bonding with my godchild taking a walk outside. I also tend to see lots of birds with my last nibling. They are more empathic I think than the eldest nibling. The eldest has some of our clairvoyance. They seems to be developing a knack for patterns and for reading Pachamama. The eldest and the baby are gnc so far, which is dope – my family is in full support.

I drove 1234 miles to be here for Juneteenth 2020.

Tomorrow is historical and I will testify all that I witness in various formats.

Cambia, todo cambia.

God is change.

Dream Defenders Sunday School is a nourishment staple in my life

#IfIEverDisappear is trending and some of the images are just non-sensical

Fuck that

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“We are not fighting for near-death experiences”

If I go missing, I expect everyone who loves me to fuck shit up

Last week I finally went back to running as my foot’s cut skin is crackling and trying to stick together, not fully heal. My ass and thighs are good-sore; I sleep with hot & cold patches and creams feeling some type of way that my body aches because I choose to exercise, rather than it being a necessity as part of labor to create food or resources for my family or community. Though, also, my body requires movement to strengthen and make me more agile and flexible and healthy.

This week I’m in the southwest, ready to be united with others fighting towards liberation.

Do police manage inequality?

MPD150 Resources

I CAN’T BREATHE: 70 days of quarantine

Current Mood: Rumble in the Jungle x Fugees, Tribe Called Quest, Busta

Nearly 2 decades of fighting and I’m oscillating between needing to be hidden for safety and shouting I do not give a fuck!!!

 

I created curricula for and taught Critical Race Theory with 10th and 11th graders at a high school in Shanghai 2013-2014. Today, I realize more than ever that Interest Convergence is more relevant than ever: Black people achieve civil rights victories only when White and Black interests converge (Bell, 1980). Haz mierda todo! Pero, like, we need yt folxs to be generally disruptive of the system that upholds them but also do more anti-racist work in their quotidian lives.

“The curriculum cannot be time-sensitive” I wrote down in bold.

I have 3 more days to go before the stitches can come out. Photographing my sewn foot inspired me to sew a bit so I spent time making protesting toys yesterday (no sewing happened actually – just a lot of cutting, pasting, writing, sticking and tying). I am not in the streets these days the same as before – I’m much more strategic now. For example, as my foot heals, I’m just doing my art with and for youth:

toys

My Manaba mamas guían. Pachamama shook me and literally debilitated me. Change is not metaphorical. We want a literal revolution. But I need to sit this one out, she said. Last week Pachamama sent early thunderstorms here and shook other parts of the continent with earthquakes. Wake the fuck up! dice ella.

Yall need to figure this shit out because I’m tired.

i am exhausted

Tears are coming in waves of pain and joy. Hearing of Breonna Taylor was bizarre – is this real life? Seeing the video of “a beautiful spirit,” George Floyd’s last living moments was also incomprehensible – almost unreal. The popo did not care that they were being filmed. It was almost like Mỹ Lai Massacre photos of U.S. soldiers with bodies they mauled.

Christian Cooper’s story is not incredible. A Black man gets home unarmed after the fuzz is called? That’s unheard of. The whole idea of pigs came with the invention of slavery.

I haven’t slept for days.

Between the sorrow and utter confusion about what supports our thriving – we are barely surviving here – I paused and felt an overwhelming sense of a loving community. There are Black Lives Matter posts from people – some of my loved ones – who usually only post landscapes, food, concerts or friends/kids stuff on their sm. I’m pushy af – pushing everybody to jump in revolutionary fights – I don’t hide it – your kid stuff is cute; social media ain’t that for me. Still, those closest to me, have been listening all along and listening well and they are all holding me up now, knitting me back together. We are each other’s braids – strengthening each strand. I realized this May that I have been studying thriving all wrong. Mi gente got my back. They nourish my thriving; they planted me.

I begin describing in writing what is thriving with us, our narratives of ancestral love that explain how we are best nourished and nurtured but I trail off into books and articles written by Them. I must keep validating myself with their standards; what I know to be true must be witnessed by someone of official authority as bestowed onto themselves. We must be beyond this now. We must be building power in order to derrotar this ludicrous system in which one group of people make all the rules. Curiously, they do not have to follow their own rules. They decide when the rules get altered. We must fight beyond this.

We want to do more than just survive, Love says.

But how do we do thriving? Like literal “beyond survival”?

A high school friend asked me last night if I “felt good that people are changing now; people are really waking up now,” the ww teacher said.

Yes, it does feel good that more people are on board. And also it sucks that video evidence is what it took for some people to believe us. Is that why protests haven’t centered Breonna Taylor

breonna

Now we gotta sit here and educate people on how to listen to us so that we can survive? We gotta keep waiting for yall to catch up to the struggle? Those tiny steps some people are taking are not halting the trigger-happy pigs. The 1% is not ceding power

But our seeding is showing some blossoming now just before summer…

PUKEN (tiempo de lluvias) época de la escasez, donde comienzan las lluvias y la tierra se retrae en un periodo de descanso obligado

WALÜNG (abundancia) época de cosechas, de frutos, de aves y animales

We makes sure our community is well-fed, housed and clothed. We find resources, take extra shifts, take collections, donations, groceries, distribute as needed – we are all about mutual aid. No one goes hungry in my community. We make sure everyone is able to experience joy and cleansing even once a year on their birthday or our Año Viejo celebrations or someone’s wedding – we must celebrate our survival. Celebration and Cleansing – enacting joy is a crucial part of thriving.

We constantly thank our ancestors who paved this path for us. We must relive certain times in order to keep seeding the future. Gratitude is part of thriving. We show gratitude by supporting us.

God’s act, stand back and watch
Devil’s time out
Can’t be timed with no swatch watch

But are we are better now?

What the fuck is thriving?

I see my community hurt more and more every day. My community members assimilate, convert, literally pay to disfigure their faces to be like Them and still are dehumanized, denigrated on tv, social\media, in schools all over the fuckin place.

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After 1845 weeks in Pachamama, I say, “Fuck You!!!” I live according to my values, up to my own standards.

#NoJusticeNoPeace.

I love me. I love me whether you love me or even validate my existence.

There is stuff finally happening with exclamation marks.

I seen the Devil spar with Allah
Mathematics was the key to set my whole race free
You might debate we, a refugee
No harm hurt me
Dying, thirsty from the struggle
To my own hustle bubble
On the low, woe is me

3 years ago woe is me. I wrote about a dating dilemma, Should I BLM on a First Date?, and I’m mostly proud of me. It took a lot to learn how to identify and assess an impulsive lying, stonewalling, silencing, gas-lighting, narcissistic, disgustingly privileged abusive manchild. It took a lot of self-criticism, pain and trauma-confrontation to work through defining how the White supremacist delusion and the colonial cis hetero patriarchy operates. I’m still learning ways that I deserve to be treated and how I can trust again.

It’s not only my age and education that shrinks my dating pool, but specifically being vocal about my abolitionism. My people have been fighting for generations; this did not begin with me in this lifetime. My first fights were in grade school against prayer and pledging allegiance to a flag that doesn’t represent me. Next, I began organizing, mobilizing and protesting during my undergraduate studies when I began US For Earth. The Arab Spring hooked me into worldwide movements and taught me how to use social media. Then abolitionist thinking began for me during OWS & ODOE. Most specifically, when Trayvon Martin‘s life was taken, my commitment to the Black Lives Matter movement was solidified.

I’m happy alone today. I don’t use a lot of those words from that post anymore anymore, or rather, I have updated my language to be more precise:

Screenshot_20200609-112605I am a 35 year old radical educator artivist scholar abolitionist
sapiosexual pansexual gender fluid Manaba
I enjoy relationships with folxs who have similar far left values
it’s extra special if our interests are complimentary

Blocks on fire
Fiends getting higher
Robbing blue collar
Killing for a dollar
See youths get tired
Dealing with them liars
From Brooklyn to Zaire
We need a ghetto Messiah

Since the days of fighting grade school teachers to not do the allegiance pledge each day, I have fought for, on and with folxs of Seminole, Timucua, Tequesta, Piscataway Nacotchtank (Anacostan)Lenape, Kizh, Chumash, oθaakiiwaki‧hina‧ki (Sauk) & Meškwahki·aša·hina (Fox), Anishinabewaki ᐊᓂᔑᓈᐯᐗᑭ, and Bodéwadmiké (Potawatomi) Lands. My first protest of 2020 was for Black Lives Matter at School Week of Action in February. My last protest of 2019 was December 14th at #PariserPlatz #Berlin in #solidaridad with my Indigenous siblings; I got my 7th tattoo (my 1st at home-tat) just after these moments: 

I continue to write to exist and seeking #solidaridad. This is #ACallformoreAbolitionists in my life. The goal is still not to punish or exterminate yt folxs but to exterminate the hegemonic.

I write here if only to repeat in as many ways as I can learn in my lifetime:

NEGRX RUNAKUNATA MUNAKUY!

K’ATZ’INEL RI TAQ Q’ËQ K’ASLEM

HASAPA T’A WICONI KI TOKAHE

LII VII NWAYR KISHCHIITAYHTAAKWAANWA

LAS VIDAS NEGRAS IMPORATAN

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Hands on the Wheel at 6:30

Current Mood: Hands On The Wheel x ScHoolboy Q Feat A$AP Rocky

坐 坐好 Zuò zuò hǎo! me dijo la Pachamama.

IMG_20200522_113940(1)Exif_JPEG_420

A few days ago I was toying with the idea of wearing fishnets again – I was feeling good about losing weight and being stronger than I was 5 years ago when I began PhD studies. On the afternoon of the 23rd, I was put in my place tho. “Stay the fuck home” was the message I received, “get your shit done” before you go out to play!” I am fortunate to have been able to afford car payments up until now and having the liberty to drive out at my whims. Now I’m confined to crutches for 12 more days on antibiotics and pain meds after getting stitched up with a deep dirty cut on my left pinky toe from a rock off the Sunshine Skyway Bridge, where I’d gone to write and for inspiration.Exif_JPEG_420

She’d been telling me to stay put

pero no le hice caso

Abrazos to all of you who are feeling out of balance, overwhelmed, fatigued, daunted.

We are strong and we can stay strong.

 

The first injuries to my legs that I recall happened during basketball – marks on my knees remain from grade school. Around 5th grade, we cared after a lab for a while for a paternal cousin. Blackie, the dog and I were playing at one point and then there was a chase. I managed to jump our fence and left my leg was slit open by a sheet of metal sitting at the corner of the fence and our Sanford home. I remember seeing bone for a bit.

Just between jobs, the summer of 2013, with no insurance, at 28, I suffered a debilitating accident just months after a smaller accident where a bus side-swiped me (on bike) into a fence – I had a just a few scratches from that. From Xuhui to Jing’an and back, my newest friend helped me move – carrying bags of my stuff on bike – about 30km. He got tired, naturally so, and I wanted to be done so I ventured off alone (as per my usual) for the last of my crap. On the return, I was t-boned by a moped on a corner of nowhere I knew well (near the cafe 1984, I think). No one helped as I lay on the ground, my left leg bleeding profusely and my arm. Hobbling with my shit, I made my way into a Chinese version of bodega to ask for help with the handful of Mandarin words and phrases I know. 耐心 Nàixīn, me dije. Only three broken toes (including my currently injured baby toe) happened and I was lucky to find a store-keeper who helped clean and bandaged me up. I had a limp after that!

Too damn high, can’t stand myself
I love drunk driving, man I’m something else
Heat on my side, you’re more than welcome to melt
I’m ’bout to finish a pound, you’re more welcome to help

The next serious injuries I remember today happened with Ultimate Frisbee and rock climbing. Always on my left side, I’d fall and get ugly bruises. During a particularly stupid idea, a group of us got together in the middle of a 2015 Michigan winter to toss a disc. During one bad move, I slipped on the ice and went home with an aching hip which turned bluish black and brought my limp back.

On 2 July 2016 I was heading to Chicago with the WT I was dating then. The light at the Howard Ave and Saginaw St intersection just before the 127 turned green and the two cars in front of me went through before a 25 year old White girl driving a car registered and insured to someone else ran a red light and totaled my 2013 Nissan Sentra. A bag of cannabis was found in her car and the insurance status was “delinquency” due to missed payments. Her tears just got her a tiny ticket for running the light – no arrest or fines for weed.

A new kind of poverty came directly from this accident and new/old wounds emerged. I suffered burns and lacerations around my body additional to huge financial debt due to the state’s absurd No Fault logic. I often wondered what would have happened, if the situation was reversed. Would my tears have warranted mercy as well? Would I have been arrested or shot by the popo when they found “drugs” or when they learned the car was not mine? We know rules were made and often only apply to Black and Brown bodies. Ain’t nobody hiding this.

My usual right hand at 6:30 and left on my lap, possibly saved bones from breaking. The U.S. standard instruction was that drivers should hold the steering wheel at the 10 and 2 positions, as envisioned on a clock. Now “experts” say that could cost you your arms or hands in particularly gruesome ways if your airbag deploys. Most driving guidelines (most state transportation agencies) now say “lightly grip the wheel at the 9 and 3 o’clock position.” Bad science makes illogical rules that are followed by the masses who have been trained to not question authority.

Think for yourself.

Question authority.

was already my motto when I began driving 20 years ago at 15 I observed the people around me first. I think I was impacted by the way my brother and a friend Canela drove keeping their hand a 6:30. It felt comfortable immediately so I’ve driven variations of this since.

I’m okay with disorder and or chaos if it is naturally the case. I dislike the chaos imposed on me of deadlines, time constructs, forced relationships, fake smiling, arbitrary rules proven wrong, ineffective and inhumane again and again.

I do not want suburban life. I like my lawn unkempt. I don’t give a fuck if you call me uncouth. I do not want 2.5 children in your schools; I’m not even sure I want one. Home or Land ownership is not something I even think about, on principle. This Land is my Land, this Land ain’t your Land…

I do not have the impulse to organize everything in palatable boxes, multiple choice answers, color-by-number/paint by wine nights, true/false or any binary paradigms

You cannot convince me that your way of living is beneficial to/for anyone.

I refuse to follow your rules. Of course, that is particularly why I am endangered.

There is not a word or concept in my culture like the German:

scha·den·freu·de (n)
/ˈSHädənˌfroidə/
  1. pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune.

or the Brittish:

epicaricacy (n) (uncountable) (rare) Rejoicing at or deriving pleasure from the misfortunes of other

Tattletale (Flemmish roots) express to me that ^ mentality, which is fostered in grade school… that research will come later.

This is what is lives inside the Becky > Karen > Susan teachers we’ve all had.

Papi and I discussed language recently, starting with that German concept, doin like an onto-epistemological turn here and there. I wanna learn more how language is shaped by Land (like how some concepts exist here and not there). Also how our senses are shaped by and shape language. My makers don’t usually like to admit it but my creative insubordination is all them. Nil sine magno labore. Don’t speak unless you can improve the silence. No seas metiche.

This is why I write
on most days
to understand how to enrich our collective lives

Am I over-faded? Hell yeah it’s true
Turn a beat on, ain’t no limit to what I can do
See this Top Dawg in heat, but I’mma fuck the world
I’mma be on tunes ’til God re-furls
You sat me down, I’m still tryna get higher
You looked at me stupid when I twisted the fire

This keeps me AFLOAT: The Myth and Propaganda of Black Buying Power

60 Días Más de Lucha

Current Mood: Que se Queme el Arroz x La Reyna y La Real

La Marca me la recomendó un Cubano. Fui solita la noche anterior para ver el lugar y pensar en el diseño. Fue lejos del hotel que nos hospedamos en La Habana Vieja cerca de el parque Guayasamín – eso solo me dio tanta felicidad. Hay un gran amor entre mi Ecuador y Cuba. No fue sorpresa y me dio bastante alegria cuando me di cuenta quien son elles a primera vista:lamarca

Screenshot_20200524-120152

 

The art inside was cool and had ideas flowing freely about my mind. I wanted to build off my 2nd tattoo with this 4th one – couple the ideas of solidaridad pouring out of me during the time I spent in Cuba, learning from the beautiful people.

then time restrictions

“On a schedule” ruins precious moments

Stay with the group

Catch up with the group

Don’t get lost

Don’t lag behind

Be safe

Y un cambio de rutina yo me voy a regalar
Voy a pensar un poquito en mi
Dime si no merezco perderme por ahí

Being myself and not listening to others often brings me lots of joy

As I lay on my side getting repeatedly punctured by a needle, in less than 1hr, “Sur Arriba” was inked over SOLIDARIDAD before I went back to meet up with the Western scholars who stuck to the plan (“10 & 2 people”).

Exif_JPEG_420

There is much to say about this ink. Here, all I’ll say is that today when I look at my tat, I think about endurance as I relive the peace I felt traveling through the archipelago the summer of 2017. Our knowledges and ways have being have lasted for thousands of years precisely because they specifically intend do right  by Pachamama, which we are all. Our rules and regulations exist to support our thriving. The last few hundred years have proved that the invaders brought with them destruction and that their ways of being harms the great majority of living sentient being.

And so we are applauded for suffering under the Western paradigms; we are expected to rise above and forgive, forget, move on from those [yt kristian euros] who continue to inflict pain on us; even as we forcibly assimilate to their hate-full non-sense dog-eat-dogma, they attack at every turn

So how about we Stop asking people to be resilient? We know this game is rigged. It is not just “bad luck” that our bodies are endangered. We do not relate to your arbitrary rules and do not intend to follow you or be like you in any way. We don’t even define achievement like you do. We pay attention to our surroundings and listen closely for the imperceptible to guide us as well. Adding to King’s words, this I believe

if we witness moments of justice somewhere,

there is promise of cultivating justice everywhere

Just when I got back from Cuba, I went on to read more and write a lot more. I wanted to spread the news, the realities I witnessed about La Llave del Caribe – to relearn and unlearn what schools taught. I did not know who to trust with support then. I first turned to a Wwoman who claims (constantly) that she’s been doing “justice work” longer than most of us “have been alive.” She helped only herself. Wish I coulda told her at her own self-congratulatory publication party: Nah bitch, we’ve been fighting yall for hundreds of years – my life doesn’t exist starting with my birth. All of my people been fighting for your people to get up the fuck out back to your homeLands!!

Then I turned to some peers who were all too busy to even just talk about experiences in Cuba.

By the time of the 1 year anniversary of the Orlando Pulse shooting, a month after the trip, I took the opportunity to submit a piece for a “community alliance” group about lessons that we could learn from Cuba about actual distribution of resources and power. Humanizing the most marginalized and disenfranchised of society, including Trans Queer non-Christian BIPOC became a national goal decades ago and la lucha sigue hoy. They, my “allies,” censored me to appease to the majority White Christian homo/transphobic Baby Boomer population that have anti-Blackness political leanings. It made no sense, but they urged me to write about my “homeLands” instead, which i visited afterwards. Without acknowledging that my homeLands are not just the borders recognized today – Cubans certainly did not treat me like I was other. We do not separate the south, islands, central and north of the Land mass according to the worldviews of the invaders – that’s preposterous!

I have never experienced and witnessed such earnest commitment to one another as I have in Cuba. The government issuing apologies to ostracized groups? The rich being taxed higher to even out wealth distribution sounds insane to some. Majority women in positions of power with real decision-making is only a dream to the Liberals here.

YUP, ya heard right

These are the moments of justice I hold on to and develop hope in humanity over:

1. Cuba has the highest literacy rate in the world and commits approximately 10% of its gross domestic product to education
2. 36% of Cuba´s budget is spent on healthcare
3.The world’s largest medical school, the Escuela Latinoamericana de Medicina (ELAM) has nearly 20,000 students and every single one of those students is on full scholarship
4.Cuba’s health-care system makes contraceptives widely available, and abortions are available on demand
5.Mothers and fathers can take more than a year off from work at partial pay. A new decree extends those benefits to grandparents
6.The government has reduced day-care costs for Cuban parents with multiple children, and provides tax breaks for women who work in the country’s growing private sector
7. Cuban women are about two-thirds of the country’s professional workforce about (60% of university faculty positions)
8. In 2013, Cuban law banned workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation.
9. Sex reassignment surgeries have been available under Cuba’s national healthcare, FREE of charge, since 2008

<more pictures of La Llave del Caribe coming soon>

Today, I’ll put it here ^ and tomorrow somewhere else. I will never stop defending a place that fights for everyone’s dignity.

39 years ago Presidente Jaime Roldós (not a communist nor a socialist) died strangely (history tell us this is the imperialist way) in Lojas; he opposed military rule and U.S. monopolization of Ecuador’s economy.

Trabajo bruto pero con orgullo
Aquí se comparte, lo mío es tuyo
Este pueblo no se ahoga con marullos
Y si se derrumba yo lo reconstruyo
Tampoco pestañeo cuando te miro
Para que recuerdes mi apellido
La operación cóndor invadiendo mi nido
Perdono pero nunca olvido

OYE!!

Muddin’

Current Mood:  Blow Up The Outside World x Soundgarden

muddinIt is a bad idea

It is super unsafe

It is terrible for your car

It can lead to death

It can kill others

Between gangsta and redneck

Nothing seems to kill me no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes
Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight
And nothing seems to break me
No matter how hard I fall
Nothing can break me at all

Some days we Porch Monkeys would meet up to just sit around smoking and to shoot the shit

On others, we would go way out in the boonies with our Dubbya Tee friends to go Muddin

Muddin is between a sport and what poor kids did for fun. The goal of the sport is to drive a vehicle through a pit of mud or a track of a set length. In competition, winners are determined by the distance traveled through the pit and some other shit. Fer shits n giggles, the goal was to not shit yer pants while you tried to cover the car in mud and live to talk about it.

I’d skip school with my bff, who got their first gun on their 9th bday, to take a chance with mud. After a good downpour, we’d jump in a truck with good track on the tires (best with extra large lugs) – or not – then hop off a main road to a random dirt road. After revving the engines, driving erratically as fast as you can handle, came time to really fuck shit up. You see the trick with muddin seemed to be pullin the handbrake at just the right moment so the truck flails about as it increases the amount of torque the engine puts out. The mud can fuck up  rims and unbalance tires or throw serpentine belts off or clog the radiator… what did we care?

I learned the word “prairie n****r” out there after muddin one of those late afternoons where my bff and I fucked around instead of going to IB Shakespeare or some other gross shit. There were places out there where I was not allowed; others where I could enter but not speak until spoken to. Some feed stores seemed chill, others came with lots of questions to explain my purpose in those neck of the woods. It was supposed to be funny – I was supposed to laugh when people identified me as a “red skin” or other slurs that indicated my ancestors had been defeated by Their great powerful weapons. Unaware then, I learned a lot in those days. Proximity to Blackness or Whiteness was a game which had societal expectations – some real weird shit. Even though I was sometimes told, “You’re different; you’re not really one of those people,” I knew to them I was not their equal. It was always the case that my androgynous n-wordass was cause for their lack of peace or need to rile shit up.

Today I thought about muddin

as I was runnin

wonderin

middle of fucknowhere

if I was seein shit

denying shit

Is this real life?

Am I gonna make it?

‘Cause long as I’m alive I’ma live illegal

yall know where I stand

Pero, you know

Today a Ram 1500 carried a buzz-cut light skinned male-passing dude

who scared me back to where the fuck I came

when he pulled a rifle from the back seat

so casually

Am I the “wildlife” he seeks to extinguish?

I forgot my way home today

literally

I feared for my life yet again today

no, really

because maybe my music was too loud today

or perhaps, because I took up too much public space

I’m at 5’2″ about 150 these days and drive a wagon

I can’t lose too much weight or my “feminine” figure emerges

But I can’t be too heavy cos then I got the body of a young boy

targeted if I’m too Brown-girly or too Black manly

**************************************

Burrow down in and blow up the outside
Blow up the outside
Blow up the outside world

**************************************

I saw Chris Cornell solo and as frontman of Audioslave at a Lolapalooza (2005?) once. 3 years ago when I was traveling in Cuba, I learned of Cornell’s death after paying for wifi at the Hotel Nacional de Cuba – only one of my peers had even heard of him and comforted me as I cried there briefly.

Guerrilla Discourse

is modeled after the concept of Guerrilla Gardening; it’s a middle finger to private property. The act of gardening on land that the gardeners do not have the “legal rights to cultivate” is a direct civic action. In another form, Guerrilla Discourse infiltrates other aspects of [high]society by introducing uncomfortable concepts in various artistic ways. Art that is considered contested or on contested spaces is a form of Guerrilla Discourse (for example, example graffiti). My favorite form happened during an Occupy Department of Education Protest in which a love song was dedicated to the tune of “This Little Light of Mine;” the lyrics were projected on a school that was set to close mid-school-year and the crowd of a few hundred sang along in solidarity holding each other. Another example would be, blaring “offensive” or censored music or speeches loudly over speakers in areas of which is not permitted. The allowedness likert scale ranges from:

FURROWED BROWS > SCOFFS > KAREN COMPLAINS ABOUT IT TO THE ASSOCIATION > FINES > FELONY > PUNISHABLE BY DEATH

———————————

Today I decided I’m done with the transactional relationships

all those phony relationships – I’m too old for that shit – I left in the midwest

I been known better, Maya wouldn’t be proud

12 years ago I left Florida at 23 heading to my NYC, to unlearn some of that ign’ant shit my childhood was full of, to learn my pan/sapiosexual, nerdy, fighter self deeper

Every time I go back, I remember

New York City does not let you forget

You must remember your flaws in NYC

To survive you must be cognizant of who the fuck you be

On the corner of 85th and Lexington I first lived as an adult in NYC sharing a very small 2 bedroom/1 bath with a White woman and her Chinese Crested. The apartment was greatly situated between a world where I could get a bacon-egg-n-cheese for $2, 10 plátanos for $1, a pound of fried Chicharrón at Cuchifritos, my nails did or my hair blowed out for ten bucks

and a world where home-delivered laundry was the norm

there were a lot of fancy outdoor cafes, all with Eggs Benedict

$30 brunch with unlimited Mimosas

Today I ponder

Hillsborough County
Confirmed
1,790
Recovered
Deaths
70
Florida
Confirmed
49,451
+776
Recovered
Deaths
2,190
+46
United States
Confirmed
1.64M
+23,912
Recovered
319K
Deaths
96,691
+1,262
Worldwide
Confirmed
5.25M
+99,572
Recovered
2.08M
Deaths
339K

 

50 days later

During OWS

During OWS in 2011 there was constant music and other noise, coffee made from bicycle peddling, food, clothing, housing sharing and distribution, and print screening. Close to Zuccotti Park were many touristy shops, one of which sold cheap I ❤ NYC tees, about $1 a piece if you bought bulk. I had the idea of printing on the famous tees and I loved the look. I threw out the stained tee just before leaving NYC this year not quite knowing the purpose for me keeping it any longer. I’ve been thinking about OWS and that time in my life where I pieced together my place and who I ought be. The journey of this version of myself began there, on my 25th birthday tattooing SOLIDARIDAD on my left rib-cage in red ink (which I am both allergic to and was told would look bad on my skin). I put it there, hide-able, to not be visible to all. This is my anti-colonial journey.

I forget to breathe

I forget to love loudly

I forget that I can interrupt generational trauma by healing

I forget to love myself

So many of you have taught me ways of healing

My Luz and my Lucia, Sam, Ayanna, Ruby, Angeli, Luis, Thomas, Marcos, Brian…

I forget to breathe

Joss told me it’s an air-sign quality

I was born under and Aquarius sun & moon

Someone told me Taurus rising, another told me Libra rising

Yall aint shocked – my movements are not hidden 

I forget to breathe

This affects everything from physical wellness

to clarity of thought

to behavior

At first glance or talk with me, you do not get all of me

My actions are not easily deciphered by everyone

I act out of need, not to show

I don’t interrupt you because I don’t like what you have to say

My brain is overloaded and you’ve just added to that load

I’m not upset with you

I interrupt when I can’t contain what’s in my head

It does not mean I love you less

On the contrary

I love that you’ve given me more to consider

I forget to breathe

I will still fight with you, not always visibly or out loud

 

Deleting you from social media is not an indication of my affinity for you

it is about safety

some of yall make me feel unsafe

Like my identities are cause for concern

Like my way of life deserves punishments or rewards

If you uphold the systems that oppress me and my people

I will love you from a distance only

 

I am constantly worried about my safety

YES, it is absolutely tied to all my unsafe experiences

I forget to breathe

this capitalist patriarchy taught me to hold my breath

to think without oxygen

to act without lifeforce

to follow its rules without understanding purpose or reason

 

I forget to breathe

but today I will remember to inhale life

and exhale the death of that detrimental way of being

 

Yesterday afternoon I had symptoms of allergies: sneezing, itching

Mid-night I had difficulty breathing and a headache
This morning I felt confusion, chest pressure, all-over-aches
I am scared
I hope that this basic food makes me well
Exif_JPEG_420
I have very high expectations of myself and everyone
I know I push much sometimes
I don’t know how to explain it all
except that it comes from profound love and the search for justice
I’m here for the REVOLUTION and if that ain’t you then that ain’t you
Max was down for the rEV ❤ Lution
He and I chose “North” during whatever activity they had us doing at orientation. We both immediately gravitated there i and didn’t bulge. It is not that we are impulsive We’ve been considering and weighing options since before questions are asked
So we remain ready for action.
Max is on my mind because I saw myself through him
We had a couple fights
The day he passed – he wouldn’t answer his phone and we had 2 projects to worry about – I told him I would just show up to his home and force him to work
He liked to work late at night or random hours but I don’t like being around others at night or random times (I need a lot of alone time)
And we had some profoundly loving moments
One of the last things he said to me:
“You’re a bitch but I still love you and we need you”
We literally organized a BLM rally the week he told me that
but I kept my distance from Max from day 1 because I saw so much of myself in and with him
He respected me the way I wanted to be
Showed me he loved me and told me he loved me
Showed me appreciation and told me so
but I wanted to be far away from the fighting when I first began phd school
I wanted to deny myself pleasures in order to be focused
I didn’t trust that we would not lead each other to trouble
we both had similar experiences with substance abuse
I was scared to sacrifice myself with him for the struggle

No one else in my cohort felt like Max

I may just be sick from insomnia patterns that interrupt my current obligations of teaching – panel discussion participant preparation and Comp2 revising plus diss writing simultaneous to diss proposal writing, writing groups, blog writing, art making, finding a breath of fresh air
So many people are out and about without masks or gloves, talking, coughing, laughing eating spitting… all over Florida….
it is terrifying
terrific stems from the same roots
odd
Cases overview
Hillsborough County
Confirmed
1,473
Recovered
Deaths
41
Florida
Confirmed
41,923
+941
Recovered
Deaths
1,779
+44
United StatesUnited States
Confirmed
1.4M
+21,475
Recovered
237K
Deaths
83,115
+1,463
WorldwideWorldwide
Confirmed
4.29M
+82,591
Recovered
1.51M
Deaths
293K
+4,261