Current Mood:

On my 3rd nibling’s 3rd born day I went to my favorite hidden water spot l’acosta. As I walked to an isolated space for me, my hammock and food etc I noticed garbage. SO, I walked around a bit picking up trash until washed up on the shore was a bag full of fruit: a large papaya, two oranges, a red apple, a green apple and a pear.

My first thought was that it was an offering.

I had a lovely nap and then spent some time in the thigh-high water.

My body remembers what my mind tries to forget
or, rather, my mind finds creative ways of remembering

May 2011 big events occurred in my life and my body knew now.

So I am here

at the EdGE of the uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuniverssssssse
on the Calusa coast
de Abya Yala

yupaychani An-ti

yupaychani Yaku

I feel no guilt anymore
I would like more parts of my day to envelopE me in J O Y

Passez de toi is a wholeasss mood
Haterz gonna hate. That’s a theme.

I think I will take a year of being in Tulsa, to decide what I’m doing from here on in thru future experiences. What will carry me thru this next etapa? How do I find my spaces and make space for those most marginalized without compromising my values and joy?

Some people just bring me grief and I spent way too much time trying to figure out why I dislike them so much when it is simple. My body remembers! Also, my loved ones remember!!!

I have been reminded in multiple ways thru flora, fauna, humxns, the weather, dreams, intuition, and my actual research that some vibes are detrimental to my be. Like, my existence and my livelihood is literally diminished by my experiences with some people. Some people make me not want to exist. Some raise me up.

That’s that.

It makes me very sad. Yo se que un dia volveras, TristaPena. Para vivir. Ya lo siento. Ya!

Eb

I am the protector of Bob & Marley
I have formatting to do.
I need my own space
I need to create
I need to envision

be around visionaries
be loved on the spot
be trusted and reciprocally respected, admired

people know my ideas are wild
AND NECESSARY
necessary
needed, wanted, called-for, absolutely required
for us all

Some of these people just ain’t convincing. You’re already feeding me a story – I ain’t about you
let me figure it out my damn self

Y lo que no sirve ya no lo reciclo

Purging actually feels good

It’s comical how difficult, how many goddamn barriers were placed between me and some people. Pachamama dice nah, get the fuck away BEWARE and beware and beware… the iguana will bite those who do not dream

SOmetimes you can’t convince me of who y0u want me to see because my eyes can decipher your constructions
i see who you’re trying to show me
i smelL the synthetic
i feel the artificiality

paper has NO nutritional value

y si el negro no se duerme viene el diablo blanco y tas le muerde la patita la patita la patita

your ways of being need a VAST VAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST improvement

if we mean to survive all this
to thrive

give it all up

start anew

A NEW INTENTIONAL EMPATHIC UNITED OBSERVANT WAY
LET your ways be swayed by those whose lives are flourishing wildly beautifully
revolutionary

———————————————————–
I spent the 3rd anniversary of tio Ulibio’s passing with a self-described-White-passing-sometimes “bro” at the beach and with good Mexican food and some dank flowers

21 May 2020

There’s a Brit to my left saying he lives here
and an asshole obnoxious douche-sounding dude yapping aimlessly at him about him living here too

My Mahi sandwich with broccoli and asparagus was delicious. I ate 2 meals of my day just now at this grill by the private beach “on” the private resort which is predominately comprised of shockingly pale-coloured bodies aujourd’hui. Some are the color of the white sand. literally

This will be my last post on W@ndering Testimonios. I will start a new blog beginning with post grad ideas, thoughts, creations, pieces of my new life elsewhere x q SIGUE LA LUCHA x q va

22 May

White Guilt is useless and I’m sick of hearing about it here on Calusa, Tocobaga, Taino and Seminole Lands. Some of the Black and brown bodies get it too. Do your best and stfu. quit actin yt, gross!!!

For the yts that may be reading this, check out this list

24 May

01:45

Excitement is back. A few hours ago I chatted with a beautiful Black vegan family who felt connected

I have felicity. I get to travel with one of my favorite people this month here and next month westward

I am happy to build community here right now with beautiful brilliant bountiful and joy-filled Black and Brown bodies. I look forward to being in my city soon. I am thrilled to be getting NYC salary soon, I hope…. insurance will be nice

36 feels right

I FUCKIN GOT MY PH.D.

Current Mood: Matacaballos

iñaña, k’uyana, yachakuna, uyarikuna, iñaña, k’uyana, yachakuna, uyarikuna, iñaña, k’uyana, yachakuna, uyarikuna

Vete de aqui con esa baina
Mandalos al carajo
Todos esos pelo de color de ñoña asoliado
Esos chucha de tu madre
Metiches
Hijueputas
Comemierdas
Mandalos a la mierda

Me cago en la hostia,
en la puta que te parió, gilipollas, cabrón
Me cago en la leche q mamastes

escucho. Aprendo. Amo. crezco. escucho. Aprendo. amo. Crezco. EscuCHo. Aprendo. AMo. CrEzco.

We are Pachamama
we have to love ourselves
we must remember
we must love each others something fiercely
pero, like not the oppressor abuser colonizer piece of shit diaBlancos

I mean to be vulgar
to unsettle your filthy nonsense
to hurt you both with words
and I will fuckin shank a bitch
fuck all that yt noise

I am a fuckin superShero
and everybody thinks so
maybe I’m sad this didn’t come out sooner
maybe I wish I allowed myself to not feel guilty or shameful of my brilliance

You grossass bitches tried to shrink me
tried to extract my be
to make me petty and envidiosos like you
to imitate Mean Girl shit
expecting me to act like I even know how to be mediocre

I am not a forgiver
fuck that shit

I have done nothing that needs an apology
I show myself compassion when I can, I remember
mis mayores me hacen acuerdo
we make sure we showing love to ourselves and all living beings around us

I have done some nasty shit, hurt people
sexist, mysogynist, antiBlack, antiTrans all that
but I already got atonement
I learned from that shit, that is “forgiveness to myself?”
no need to repent, that feels like colonial shit
that schadenfreude shit
that trauma porn shit

I treated myself the ways my environment trained me to
but I been unlearning all that for all this time
mis mayores a mi lado guiandome fuera de esa maldita situacion
I listen, I learn, I love, I act, I grow

l0ve, listen, Grow, learn, lo\/3, lisTinn gro lisen growe laf 1earnn luv gROW list-en list-10 ^ larn lissen GRohhhhh lav laugh *

Abuela Alina told me
BURN. IT. TO. THE. GROUND.
Haz mierda todo

My first memories are not wanting to be like them
you taught me, well, gracias abuelita
DO. NOT. BEND.

we are appalled that your kind do people like that
that you feed your own children such vile, harmful, toxic waste
pero q asco como tratan a los mayores

I have worked a lot for many, many years to be exactly the person I am today.
I follow my own rules and codes of conduct.
I follow my own lead
I get creative
and I get shit done
I been know my path, my past, my every be
I have been led astray but it’s been one helluva ride
so I don’t need forgiveness
that word doesn’t make sense to me

Nah
i ain’t sorry
i got zero fucks to give you

Come correct
none of us is tryin to be nice to you

(to be continued)

“replaying the situation again and again in our mind – it can become a form of self-harm that does not serve us or the other person. A saying that exists in various forms states: “In fact, not forgiving or hanging on to resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that it will kill someone else.”

I replay situations to make things better – to better the world
maybe it’s my aquarius sun and dancing moon intj/p brain

Maybe it’s my Manabita Alma

My self harm comes from worry, from my mission being clouded by obstacles thrown at me from oppressors

But I always fight back
I been a fighter all my life
also a red black belt in some random white old guy’s made-up white dude system
I have been victimized and treated like shit
so I fight being like those assholes at every turn
I stand up. I am strong
I am tiernx and compassionate to me
I deviate and I hurt me but, like, yeah, that’s the cycle of abuse and ptsd

– Step 1: say – I am sorry
– Step 2: say – Please forgive me
– Step 3: say – Thank you
– Step 4: say – I love you

I am not sorry to myself
I don’t want or need forgiveness of myself
this is life
this is the part called pain and survival
this is fuckin up and learning thru life

Thank you for learning how to thrive and for holding on to, uplifting others along the way!!!
I love you so very much!!!

If I have hurt myself it was them teaching me to do so
they don’t deserve forgiveness and I did nothing wrong
I stop when I catch myself enacting their harmful teachings
I have unlearned being like them
mis mayores me enseñaron
mis mayores me enseñaron
mis mayores me enseñaron
mis mayores me enseñaron
mis mayores me enseñaron
mis mayores me enseñaron

Perdono a elles, mis queridos
sufrieron tanto y se mataban segurandome el futuro
Elles les perdono por razones q no escribo aqui

They suffered for me to be free of mercy. They taught me how to be loving with myself, the ways to be free
I know now how to treat myself, how to heal, how to love more fully, authentically
There is no timeline for fucking up and learning, hurting and growing it just is
The ho’oponopono is NOT a challenging concept in MY culture
This is our way of life, we keep moving towards Liberation away from cultures that teach us to demean ourselves

it ran in my family until it ran into me

it ran in my family until it ran into me

A single spark can start a spectral fire

There are those who see me as fire
Those that nourish and fuel my flames
Those that care after and tend to my soul
Those who wish to bring me joy and liberation

Single sparks are spectral fires

Clelia Rodriguez is someone I respect so honestly, fervently that it is the greatest compliment I may have ever received (or one of).

In 2019 I made the decision to never work for a PWI again and it’s been fulfilling process and to be poor but a mi manera es todo

Starting with the Schomburg interview then Cal State and Bank Street, I was humanized and encouraged to be all of my authentic self – why would I choose to be any other way?

I AM WHO I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

At the end of 2020 I decided to stop allowing White people and White sympathizers in my spaces – ONLY White Traitors and Abolitionist are allowed in some of my spaces

I have 389$ in my bank account after using my Stimulus to pay off my car so I don’t have to worry about that expense. In another “Savings” account I have a little over $2000 which I have to use half of to pay federal taxes

I am 36

I have a high school diploma + BA + MSEd + PhD (almost) + 15+ years experience

FUCK THE AMERICAN DREAM, IT IS A GROTESQUE FIB

It is an absolute injustice that I made just barely $14,000 last year working three jobs (2 universities and a non-profit) and several other unpaid labors for my community (which is done out of love but also is unjust that I’m not living well enough to contribute what we all need)

$14,000 is what I made in 10 months working for RadioShack at 18 years of age during my senior year of high school

It is an absolute injustice that the more experience I’ve gained and more titles and degrees have led me to more poverty and more disrespect in public and private spaces

Building Safe and Brave spaces for us to be authentically ourselves

and to be joy-full is everything I am working towards and everything I fight towards

I am a catalyst and if that inspires you than so be it – welcome!!

If not, da igual – our fight is bigger than you

It’s been nearly a year that I had sex with a man

My dating pool is now exclusive to only Black and Brown folx gravitating towards Abolitionist. I may fuck between “aware” people…

White savior woke performative allies are soooooo NASTY. But indifference is repulsive. Defensive White and White passing people through denial are heartaches.

I am one of the horniest people I know and I’m manifesting my desires. I am turned on by real leftists and turned off by liberals and disgusted by moderates and enraged by conservatives. My cosmobiovision is central in my life and my partner(s) need to be in it. My politics have dominated all aspects of my life. It’s shocking sometimes. Then I remember, such is the path that my ancestors built. I’m supposed to blah bidiblaah

I am not sorry. There were some grossass White people in my life that I just erased. I’m between the generations that makes some passive aggressive shit out of erasing people online not in real life. I’m in the liminal space – that generation that just don’t give a fuck – that I’m pretty fuckin clear about who I am and you should fuckin know that if you wanna be in my life, You are In My Life. Work for it. Be present / You do not just get to have access to my resources and my people you leech! Otros me dan tanta pena. Much too many of yall just BORING

I’m so sad about it

Your life is a predictable series of mundaness; your mediocrity cums when something extra ordinary pops up. Like a chance to be in the spotlight about your goodness. Before George Floyd died publicly, you only cared about Black people when you wanted to get into

a Black party.

b) you wanted some weed

c) <insert Black recognized celebrity/celebration>

d) you ain’t do shit 360 days a year for no Black persons except the three wannabe-White ones you keep around to validate your dull existence

Rest in Power Maximillian Miguel Monroy Miller

<Pictures to come>

Bryan would have been 33 today

We had Phoenix Amor 10 months (from our awareness)

All the stages of grief are cycling round my veins through my ears and out of my eyes

Today lust is primary

Growth Spurts

I create. Make time and space for my joy, rest and nourishment

I keep myself in the company of real comrades and community who take care of me and show me love

I have 2 savings accounts with consistent savings

I refuse to work for predominantly White institutions/staff (have not since 2019)

I pledge not to fuck (with) White people anymore (have not since 2019)

I commit to cutting off the boring, complacent, assimilationist posers in my life who bring me no joy or even humor

I scrub out transactional relationships and remove colonial structures in my relationships

I commit to me this year hasta q me amarren y me aman asi

This month I began practicing poke and stick tattooing. Week one I just learned about the hygiene, needles, ink, procedure etc. Week 2 I inked oranges, grapefruits and bananas. Week 3, I inked myself with a snake drawn by my ahijade.

Me levante justo antes del alba
Yupaychani Pachamama
on the Lands of Kiikaapoi
𐓏𐒰𐓓𐒰𐓓𐒷 𐒼𐓂𐓊𐒻 𐓆𐒻𐒿𐒷 𐓀𐒰^𐓓𐒰^
Muscogee
Caddo
O-ga-xpa Ma-zhoⁿ
Očhéthi Šakówiŋ
celebrating #SixSquared years w@ndering

Through my hike I photographed myself (forgot to use my film paper ) off trail around the 10acres of the White yoga couple then their two dogs joined me and we spent some time with the ducks, roosters and goats after a run through some of the paths

I made some boiled eggs, coffee and served myself orange juice and water to eat while I soaked in the hot tub one last time before departure south.

It took me close to 5 hours to drive to Dallas just from so many stops and then being disoriented and ending up on wrong turns here and there

Time with my Atlanta and Detroit friends was lovely and chill just what I needed – smoking, eating, music, art. Then back on Seminole Lands a friend paid for a piercing and invited me and some friends here to gather with plenty of food and treats.

36 has brought me a sense of relief. I asked my most recently passed ancestors for comrades and I got exactly that. In my socio personal life and at work I am surrounded by folxs who support me thru

recalibration
education
mobilization
organization
solidaridad
paz
(a)mar

It has been amazingly easy to block myself from the view of people that just don’t bring me much joy or awe or just take my peace and resources. Disconnecting trauma bonds has been painful. I’m satisfied, however, that it’s getting easier to weed out the naysayers, abusers, user, posers, performative allies and actually hurting much less each time I set boundaries way the fuck far from gross folx 🧿

Such is the state of the world today.

Mood Then:

I wanted to venture out on my own and did not want restrictions. Every day I left the airbnb, the drive was through a Favela-like region, fenced off, facing the highways. The inhabitants lived in communal homes self-made-mostly (I think) with parts of concrete, wood, metal sheets and random shit. There were shared public restrooms and trash as far as the eye could see from the highways of their area.

Upsetting is not even the word.

I learn most from strangers. There’s something in a fleeting moment that makes us honest unlike with other relationships. In South Africa I learned the most about the socio political sentiments from migrants from the North – Senegalese, Nigerian and Congolese Uber drivers chatted it up with me. They said racism was brutal – they were paid shit, treated like second class citizens and discriminated against constantly. Of course of course! The mixed-lighter-skinned folx are safer and overall more well and protected than the darker folx. That’s reminiscent of my experience everywhere. In Cuba, the Black folx told me for sure there was racism while the light skineed denied it. The difference was the violence. Everywhere else doesn’t match the constant physical violence towards Black folx in the U.S. Everywhere I travel, it is a common accepted belief that violence from the States only matches the violence inflicted by the States’ “authorities” on other countries.

To rebel, I ventured towards the parts that were “dangerous” for tourists. The airbnb host (Coloured) told me to be safe because the darker skinned folx would know I’m not local and I may be robbed or worse. There was not institutional racism, he had said, – that it was relatively peaceful “unlike the States.” But there he was showing me the racism. He told me that I could “fit in” within the Coloureds but my dress, comportment and clothing gave me away. Like a doofus, I actually wanted to stand out – at the conference. NOT on the Land with the Natives. So, I had to be careful because I had my nails done French tip and I know exactly how that changes my appearance.And here I was a privileged Gringa. But I conceded understanding that, duh, I am the foreigner here. Lest I maintain the disgusting stereotype of U.S. travelers who disrespect everybody and all living beings. I was frustrated that I was confined to a shopping area and a boogie beach but I settled.

Mostly because of the ostrich and kudu dining options, I chose the beach. They were delicious in curry!!

<more pictures coming soon>

amos pa’ la playa
Pa’ curarte el alma
Cierra la pantalla
Abre la medalla
Todo el mar caribe
Viendo tu cintura
Tú le coqueteas
Tú eres buscabulla
Y me gusta

No se x q, I have this itch. It is always exhilarating to try new foods and also to investigate that which is prohibited for my body. I want to eat local, including the animals of which are endemic and also maybe pests of some sorts to appease guilt-feelings. So, my final day in The moment was picturesque. A great view of the south Atlantic ocean with some rocks and bird in the background was before me and my journal. Everything was as I hoped for my final day in – a great dinner followed by a dusk on the beach. The only part missing was a lover. Enter frame:

Genius
What a charming motherfucker
What a fun, great artist

When Genius met Sucre:

He went through his entire collection for me making conversations about this and that. The ones I liked were placed here; the maybes were in another pile; the nopes were furtherest from my view. We shared a couple joints and beer, flowing chat, some mild flirting. He was convincing and I decided to buy some art from him and the adventure began.

First we looked for a bank. My card was either blocked or the machines down because nothing happened. Next we thought about traveling to my airbnb to get USD and Euros but it was much too far and he had to be back for a bus back to his Congolese group who traveled back together exactly in the nation’s version of The Projects. We sat there on the stoop of some hotel for a bit trying to figure out how to exchange the art as the sun was setting. Then came his idea:

What if you buy me a cell phone? Alright, let’s see what happens.

The sellers told me they needed my passport and return flight info and other private information to proceed. I began feeling uncomfortable so I resigned. “Sorry but I think I’m gonna head back to my airbnb. It’s getting late and I don’t want to get myself in trouble – I’m not giving anyone that info.” But wait. He was also gonna hook me up with 2 joints worth of Cannabis. “We can figure this out. Let me think about it.”

Since I enjoyed his company, I waited patiently to see what he’d come up with next. “Maybe we can just go to a store and you buy me stuff.” Let’s see how long and complicated this can get. We jumped into a few places – felt like we were running around Camps Bay looking for the just-right spot. It was not the easiest transaction but I learned and felt great from the experience. First I learned about a common habit of “elderly and poor people” (is it a stereotype? just there? half real life? like poor people on my continent do?). A “sad looking” usually woman will put food into your hands or cart and stand next to you. They will push that you can afford to just help them feed their family. It was affordable for me – my earnings were the minimum in the U.S. (for someone of my background, experience, education, privilege privilege…), but enough for me to share food with others. So I added a whole chicken for an elderly woman who followed me for a while around the store as Genius calculated his groceries. Finally, at check out, I was nervous but Great Success.

Lento y contento, cara al viento
Lento y contento, cara al viento

I gained 6 (or 8?) art pieces and he got groceries! I did not stick around for Genius to travel to his communal home and back with 2 joints so he’s holding on to them until I return 😉

We keep in touch via WhatsApp, Facebook and IG and we had chatted about a potential art-business but irl, I can’t so that shit. As soon as I figure my AWs, I’ll try and reach out to do some collaborating with him.

That was exactly a year ago today. I’m wearing the same outfit I wore for my research presentation at the conference titled:

Bethinking Our Inking: Temporal and spatial dimensions of art on contested spaces

It had not been approved officially as my dissertation research but the works began there in Cape Town.

Current mood: “History favors the Indigenous.”

I woke up in Little Haiti.

I rolled a couple joints. Fried up leftover cheese and scrambled eggs. Made sure my trash was binned (found a previous guest’s blunt roach), my stuff shoved in my backpack and pillow case and I stepped out to load my car. As I closed the trunk, a voice asked me through a half-covered face (#ThatCOVID19Life), “do you have some change I can have?” I reached in m pocket and handed whatever I grabbed. “Do you have cigarettes?”

“Nah, sorry…” Just as they turned around, “Oooh wait, I got better – I have a Black and Mild here!”

It took a few minutes to find a lighter than to share it trying to maintain a distance. She was cool. Woulda sat there and chatted in another temporal spatial dimension. As I stepped back into my car, just as I was closing the door out of the peripheral vision of my left side I see a creature. It took a little bit to see the roughed up dark creature was probably a cat. I tapped on the ground and made kissy sounds and the cat seemed mildly interested. “I’ll be back with some food for you,” I told cat as I crossed into the Family Dollar across the street.

The store had a shattered glass door that we were instructed to open slowly and not slam. I fumbled.

Back across the street, I decided to share the food I was not gonna eat for the people and the tuna and canned chicken/pork for the kitty.

These exchanges took me back to smokin Beedis and cannabis with the boys I grew up with in my life. The Hip Hop, Grunge, Metal, pseudo intellectuals I hung out with between my pre-teens and early 20s denigrated women (esp WoC), differently abled persons, any neurodivergence, all races (esp poor Black and poor White and Puerto Ricans)… Some of the worst of what I remember, on top of gross jokes were the people of Color being told we were “not really _______.” “Not one of those people…”

I drove to the nude beach where just two days prior a beautiful and well-endowed Black man with almost yellow eyes approached me to chat (I get at least one “wanna talk?” each time I visit). I truy enjoyed the “vulgar” frame I got of his dick dangling in the sand as he crouched near me – I see how the fuck big you are, dayum bro!! and yeah, I was kinda kicking myself afterwards – trying to convince myself that I chose to be safe due to the corona virus. We woulda had a helluve a good time – this I know. Sighs. Truthfully, I have been in an over-thinking-everything phase for some time and I don’t like drawing people in who are not creative, inspiring, witty and funny folxs. Prefer my Queer spaces more and more these days. The minute he said “there are a lot of nice people around here looking to just have a nice chat.” I doubted his intentions so I told him I was working when he asked what I was “up to.” My tits are out and Pleasure Activism in hand. I dislike the word “nice” so much. I don’t owe you a goddamn thing. Sure as hell will NOT be nice. Gross. *retches*

I’m in a moment. Fuck

I hate performing feminine
I especially, detest l-a-d-y
spicy Latina
little girl

I’m just a girl in the world
that’s all that you’ll let me be

I talk like a man

I sit like a man

I smoke like a man

I spit like a man

I drive like a man

I cuss like a man

I am the *only* woman that reads that

I have the body of a 12 year old boy

I am stronger and more flexible and more knowledgeable about every topic than most men I know

You know what? Sometimes I fuck like a man too.

Sometimes I fuck women like a man.

Sometimes I fuck men like a man.

Sometimes I am 100% submissive and exactly the woman you picture.

I need someone who understand
I’m a woman, a real woman
I know just what I want
I know just who I am

Reading Pleasure Activism has come at such a delightful time in life – I have to learn me new ways by my lonesome. I read quite a bit about performing sex at the beach. I was the only pair of (small) tits – pierced nipples, big dark areolas – and (hairy) cunt I could see in the water. Then a redhead with DD+ big pink nipples came in for a few minutes. Just as quickly or faster, an elderly White D+ person with an old White dude. Then at the shallow end, after the two light-skinned women left and I was still swimming about, there was a GORGEOUS lusófono(?) C-D+ Brown curvy woman – beautiful ass – who entered briefly with a muscly man who had been massaging her body with oil for quite some time (they last >5mins in the water). I watched them for a while, totally aroused. He was definitely penetrating her for some time and I just smoked away enjoying the view. I saw ~10 women/femme people total on the 0.4-mile nude area (and most in tops and bottoms – I usually wear a bottom because I hate sand in my pubes). Just within my view, a couple dozen dues-only. Mostly older. Lotta saggy balls :0 Why are there so few women (of Color) at Haulover?

I mean

DUH

I did not go to the beach for dick (or pussy) thanks for asking. I do not appreciate your assumption that anything about me is about you. I’m not trying to make friends during a pandemic. Why does your dick have to be right by my face? Why approach me when I’m laying down? Why not ask about my book or my writing, which you are watching me do? Comment on my dopeass music? Why are you soooo boring?

When the clouds came overhead around 16:00 I got out of the water with a plan to buy Ecuadorian food then eat with gators on Miccosukee Territory before heading north. A caldo de bola may be the perfect food for the occasion or something beefy? er?

The flower gave me happy power and I shifted from guilt, insecurity, anger, resentment, regret, betrayal to chill, everything’s gonna be aight, future plans are exciting.

I love how masc i am. I am resolute, earnest, kindof a bro who explores w@nders here and there – me and my Sebas, we do cool shit like hang out with ants and feed squirrels and snakes. Sebas hates to get dirty but I get enough dirty for the both of us. We love dinosaurs – we get real petty super bro style. The way I love fem is masc. I take care of my shit 100!! Proud. I am mean. Like my standards are ill advised. But I’m stubborn. I love “boys'”/”men’s” cologne, clothes, Vans, Dr. Martens, Timberland boots, fútbol, basketball, Ultimate, football, rock climbing, muddin’, shootin’, dissecting dead animals and cooking, camping… ALL THAT IS MADE UP THO.

ALL THIS IS MADE UP TOO:

I love how fem I am. I defend the people I love warrior-style. That is my feminine energy. I am a nurturer, I’m clairvoyant, an empath, a puzzle maker, creator. Strong – literally, spiritually, mental fortitude like no other, physically stronger than most people I’m around.

I am fluid. I am not as others perceive me. Marimacha, Tomboy.

My intellect and sexuality and synesthesia is between sexes. My flexibility is also unique. I can twist and split and turn this way and that. I see inside out and downside upsides I SEE YOU your insecurities are so fuckin loud I am fluid gendered snappy witty far-reaching 20/20.

Had to play with fire and get burned
Only way the boy ever gon’ learn
Had to lay way in the cut, til I finally got my turn

My life is fucking incredible.

I built this with with so many people by my side pushing me through

to be better because they know better and taught me better

I love very hard so I’m totally happy with leaving some behind

we don’t have to be at the same pace on the same path

I don’t love you less

right now you needn’t be closer

I’m safer right here right now among my people who protect me

I’m where I need to be to learn and grow

seeding my futures

in this time of Great Awe

Hillsborough County

Total cases58,092+364

Recovered-

Deaths929+6

Florida

Total cases993K+7,363

Recovered-

Deaths18,499+58

United States

Total cases13.4M+136K

Recovered-

Deaths267K+818

Worldwide

Total cases62.8M

Recovered40.2M

Deaths1.46M

 

Angela Zambrano left us last night. Loss hasn’t hurt this deeply in a long while. She was exactly the stuff great abuelitas are made of. She had as many stories as mi tío Lucho, the communist; her stories drew me to our homeLands. Lucho was alive and in many ways fighting the neoliberal changes sweeping our Abya Yala and tía Rosita was taking great care of everybody and their children, including my papi and all his siblings and, when she’d see us – even in the smallest of moments – she’d smile, hug us warmly, tightly and offer something. Nunca con las manos vacías.

Gratitude.

Rosita’s generosity and authentic kindness embodies our most sacred code of life. What an honor and privilege to have her in my life. Muchissimas gracias tía Rosita, tenemos tantos lindos recuerdos de usted. Yo más me acurdo de tu sonrisa y cariño. Siempre me tenías un dulcito con cuentos sobre mi papi y mis tí@s. Grandes abrazos.

Me alegro q estes en el lugar donde no hay ni dolor, ni llanto, como dice mi prima Gina, tu hija hermosa y dulce como usted. Blanquita died a few weeks before you – I know yall were close. Como prima hermanas! Espero que disfruten la nueva vida por allá con mis abuelitos y tí@s que pasarón antes de ustedes. Voy a dedicar un tiempito cada semana para charlar sobre lo que pasa por aqui. Par que sepan, la hija de Natalie nació el 3 de noviembre. Phoenix Amor esta igualita a Nicolita (la hermana, hija menor de Ecuador). Mira que lindo el nombre!

Mis Queridos Manabas,

Duele bastante, más de lo que pensaba era posible

en lágrimas que no puedo tragar

Me toca a mí, a nosotres ya

no nos olvidaremos tus cuentos

vivirás en nuestras palabras grabadas, escritas

para comemorarl@s

Con mucho agradecimiento

Todos mis logros son suyos

11/11

Current Mood:

Pray

I set a defense date for December.

There is absolutely no reason for me to pay more than my monthly salary for 1 diss credit.

fuck that

10 Nov

Phoenix Amor came to this world on Nov 3rd’s waning crescent moon. I’m excited to meet our new family member. We got a couple more coming in the next few months.

I’ve had loose bowels, nausea, muscular pain, headache and feel fatigue for about 3 days now. No fever or chills, I think. I can taste and smell well still. Veteran’s Day is celebrated by schools being open but COVID19 testing being closed. The system does not need to make sense. Enough people follow the rules.

Last week, I was asked about the first book in which I saw myself: “Meet Addy.”

I was thrilled that the series finally had a character so similar to me. Parts of my story are out there! Papi reminded me, around 2nd grade, that our essence was still absent in these stories. The “American” series was missing the most crucial component of its story – those of us from this Land. I wrote a letter to the company and they responded with an “American under Mexican rule” and then an “American” representing Native America in a region prior to larger European-centered settlement (from the Nimipuu tribe).

Books have become more diverse for sure…

As a family we watched television shows like The Cosby’s, Family Matters or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and were taught to look for values that matched our own and criticize how some descendants of slaves were deculturalized and uphold a system that not only oppresses them but openly despises them as well. I was taught to defend my ethnic backgrounds but never to do so in ways that maintains the material conditions of a chained people. I now watch shows like This is Us, Black-ish, Grown-ish, Mixed-ish not because they are good, but to, maybe, catch a glimpse into similar epistemologies of my people and to conduct CRT media analyses (similar to how my elders taught me).

I am my people at my essence

I do not identify as a Black woman though I have an actual African grandparent because properties of Blackness here do not match properties of our Blackness. White people can be Black here – not just in looks but in every aspect of how they live their life. “Black” in the U.S. means/t, for many, consumer-Hip-Hop culture (not underground), Christianity, top-down power structures, toxic patriarchy and hegemony. Deculturalization is what happened to folx like Kamala Harris, Michelle and Barak Obama, Black folxs on pop TV and many academic Black folxs.

It is a loving critique.

This week in This is Us there’s a scene in which the white brother has an awkward morning with his non-traditional fiancée. They hooked up, got pregnant and then moved in and decided to spend their lives together during a pandemic. Their conversation is painfully simple, non-emotional, vapid. The next scene is even worse. Two white girls are talkin about some boy “who clearly still likes” the young white girl twin (after they broke up). Mandy More comes in “I have snacks. Nothing healthy. Only the fun stuff.”

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT IS SOME REAL WHITE PEOPLE SHIT?

The snotty, ungrateful teen tells her mom, “Bagel Bites. Stewart loves Bagel Bites” (“Stewart” is a boy she likes, insert eye roll emoji here, and is trying to impress as girls are taught).

Rebecca doesn’t want to “meddle”

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT IS SOME REAL WHITE PEOPLE SHIT?

So far, the vast majority of television in 2020 that incorporates people of Color, still makes them White.

I keep searching for Red and Black people that think like us, that act like us.

The scene that follow that grossass child abuse, the white girl twin is an adult with her husband meeting the Steeler’s Fan mother of maybe their future child. That was on the couple’s “Profile” and the woman wore it as an “homage.” Then she mentions naming the child after a tv character from Buffy. No judgement about the fetus created from a one-night stand. They’re excited she has “exquisite” pop culture references “like she combed through [they’re] social media.”

What?

Like for real.

These are the values that people look for?

TESS.

I see myself in Tess and Deja and even Annie.

Their parents – not so much.

I’m turning inward again and shutting out the world.

I woke up feeling sick. All over sick, inside out.

I cannot continue to act like them.

Current mood:

In the quest to find our names born of the Land, we are lost. They called at us with strange sounds. Escaped enslaved Africans and survivors from shipwrecks in 1553 formed independent communities along rivers of Ecuador’s northern coast and mingled with Indigenous folxs in areas beyond the reach of the colonial “authorities.” Flags did not exist then. Borders were not policed then. African ways of being complimented the region’s cosmobio-worldviews.

9 Nov

8 Nov

Red Scare 2020 Lessons

1. Find your comrades

2. Find your friends

3. Find your kin folxs

4. White people stay about White people (POC-White-Wannaba are sometimes more dangerous)

5. Do NOT sell out
#RedScare2020 #LiberalsAreAlsoCapitalists #EliteBIPOCAintTheAnswer #HeterarchiesWork #RelinquishPower #ACAB

Don’t let others see you thrive. Jealousy is a powerful tool of colonialism. They taught you to want more than what you can ever actually need in life.

This is not a competition.

This is the same tired Racism v. Classism debate

White is a state of mind of which BIPOC definitely consume if\when they are indoctrinated by schools and media which inculcate the imperialist White supremacy capitalist patriarchy

Black folxs have it worse

<applause for a Black Asian cop>

#ACAB

7 Nov

Current mood: Corbiche Manabita

Just after Dr. Dre spoke “hold up,” the data disconnected from my cellphones, which interrupted the blue tooth at precisely at 3:33:43 yesterday. I spent a lot of yesterday pondering this and then felt peaceful.

This morning sometime around 8am just after some squats and push-ups, I made a Texas toast with fresh basil, spinach, avocado and a fried egg with mora juice and cafe for my first mean, I tidied up. I smoked. I lit some candles. Drew The Hermit. Then, I prepared my television for starting the new season of Killing Eve. My goal was to eat and watch an entire episode without other technological distractions. My food was so good that even when I squealed in pain with the first bite I could gobble up the rest, half ignoring the pain. As I went to the mirror during the last moments of my chew, some dry bits stayed in my esophagus and made me cough violently.

I made it through one episode and then started episode 2 of the 3rd season in the kitchen. My goal was to make corbiches. Salieron aguados pero huelen ricos:

This is my body as I near 36. I’m trying to build strength throughout my body. I practice yoga and meditation nearly daily. I go on runs twice or more a week (on good, not suffocating-heat days). I’m trying to do more strength training and eating better to catch up to my aging body. My period pain has lessened substantially and it is quite a relief.

Our plátano, maní, choclo, coco, pechicha, achocha, yuca, guineo…

La Cosmobiovisión incluye la ley de “lo que es mio, es tuyo;” “No hay bastante pero hay sufuciente” (Lamar, 2019). When it’s cold bundle up as much as possible – SHARE WARMTH. Do not be wasteful. Do not be lazy. Do not take more than what you don’t need. Recycle everything as often as humanly possible. Nurture the life around you as much as humanly possible. My ancestors do not understand self-extinction – nourishing life is the meaning of life. We have everything we already need – jealousy is the most useless emotion. Find time for joy. Pachamama sings brilliance and beauty when Her children dance.

“In the end communism will triumph” W.E.B Dubois

The term “decolonization” is popular in the 21st century. Yet, folxs believe there are vast differences between liberal mentality and conservative mentality. Like Democrats are “better than”… Socialism is totally inconceivable – it’s confusing to many. From an Indigenous viewpoint, some of the shit coming out just makes no sense.

Your actual day-to-day way of being is detrimental to yourself and all other living beings.

Why would should we strive to live like you?

Thriving happens when I listen to Land.

Your rules don’t apply here

they only lead to pain

we know how to live this Land

Even your imitation is costly; your surrender of such silly ways is all we pray for

We live well into our hundreds and decide when we are finished living in our current forms. We are natural, natural is us. We can read us.

It doesn’t have to make sense to you. You are from somewhere else.

Time is not linear. Borders are not real. Movement is always.

Some of the knowledges of Abya Yala stay on Abya Yala across time and space to and fro different bodies.

El Hormigueo:

Whiteness would rather die in the physical and live in the imagination than to live in the truth.” – Sonya Renee Taylor

“The screaming baboon lived under their own white skin; the red gums were their own.” – Toni Morrison, BELOVED

17:38

Just got back from spending a couple hours at #CountOnUsFL