Remaking or Remembering

Current mood: “History favors the Indigenous.”

I woke up in Little Haiti.

I rolled a couple joints. Fried up leftover cheese and scrambled eggs. Made sure my trash was binned (found a previous guest’s blunt roach), my stuff shoved in my backpack and pillow case and I stepped out to load my car. As I closed the trunk, a voice asked me through a half-covered face (#ThatCOVID19Life), “do you have some change I can have?” I reached in m pocket and handed whatever I grabbed. “Do you have cigarettes?”

“Nah, sorry…” Just as they turned around, “Oooh wait, I got better – I have a Black and Mild here!”

It took a few minutes to find a lighter than to share it trying to maintain a distance. She was cool. Woulda sat there and chatted in another temporal spatial dimension. As I stepped back into my car, just as I was closing the door out of the peripheral vision of my left side I see a creature. It took a little bit to see the roughed up dark creature was probably a cat. I tapped on the ground and made kissy sounds and the cat seemed mildly interested. “I’ll be back with some food for you,” I told cat as I crossed into the Family Dollar across the street.

The store had a shattered glass door that we were instructed to open slowly and not slam. I fumbled.

Back across the street, I decided to share the food I was not gonna eat for the people and the tuna and canned chicken/pork for the kitty.

These exchanges took me back to smokin Beedis and cannabis with the boys I grew up with in my life. The Hip Hop, Grunge, Metal, pseudo intellectuals I hung out with between my pre-teens and early 20s denigrated women (esp WoC), differently abled persons, any neurodivergence, all races (esp poor Black and poor White and Puerto Ricans)… Some of the worst of what I remember, on top of gross jokes were the people of Color being told we were “not really _______.” “Not one of those people…”

I drove to the nude beach where just two days prior a beautiful and well-endowed Black man with almost yellow eyes approached me to chat (I get at least one “wanna talk?” each time I visit). I truy enjoyed the “vulgar” frame I got of his dick dangling in the sand as he crouched near me – I see how the fuck big you are, dayum bro!! and yeah, I was kinda kicking myself afterwards – trying to convince myself that I chose to be safe due to the corona virus. We woulda had a helluve a good time – this I know. Sighs. Truthfully, I have been in an over-thinking-everything phase for some time and I don’t like drawing people in who are not creative, inspiring, witty and funny folxs. Prefer my Queer spaces more and more these days. The minute he said “there are a lot of nice people around here looking to just have a nice chat.” I doubted his intentions so I told him I was working when he asked what I was “up to.” My tits are out and Pleasure Activism in hand. I dislike the word “nice” so much. I don’t owe you a goddamn thing. Sure as hell will NOT be nice. Gross. *retches*

I’m in a moment. Fuck

I hate performing feminine
I especially, detest l-a-d-y
spicy Latina
little girl

I’m just a girl in the world
that’s all that you’ll let me be

I talk like a man

I sit like a man

I smoke like a man

I spit like a man

I drive like a man

I cuss like a man

I am the *only* woman that reads that

I have the body of a 12 year old boy

I am stronger and more flexible and more knowledgeable about every topic than most men I know

You know what? Sometimes I fuck like a man too.

Sometimes I fuck women like a man.

Sometimes I fuck men like a man.

Sometimes I am 100% submissive and exactly the woman you picture.

I need someone who understand
I’m a woman, a real woman
I know just what I want
I know just who I am

Reading Pleasure Activism has come at such a delightful time in life – I have to learn me new ways by my lonesome. I read quite a bit about performing sex at the beach. I was the only pair of (small) tits – pierced nipples, big dark areolas – and (hairy) cunt I could see in the water. Then a redhead with DD+ big pink nipples came in for a few minutes. Just as quickly or faster, an elderly White D+ person with an old White dude. Then at the shallow end, after the two light-skinned women left and I was still swimming about, there was a GORGEOUS lusófono(?) C-D+ Brown curvy woman – beautiful ass – who entered briefly with a muscly man who had been massaging her body with oil for quite some time (they last >5mins in the water). I watched them for a while, totally aroused. He was definitely penetrating her for some time and I just smoked away enjoying the view. I saw ~10 women/femme people total on the 0.4-mile nude area (and most in tops and bottoms – I usually wear a bottom because I hate sand in my pubes). Just within my view, a couple dozen dues-only. Mostly older. Lotta saggy balls :0 Why are there so few women (of Color) at Haulover?

I mean

DUH

I did not go to the beach for dick (or pussy) thanks for asking. I do not appreciate your assumption that anything about me is about you. I’m not trying to make friends during a pandemic. Why does your dick have to be right by my face? Why approach me when I’m laying down? Why not ask about my book or my writing, which you are watching me do? Comment on my dopeass music? Why are you soooo boring?

When the clouds came overhead around 16:00 I got out of the water with a plan to buy Ecuadorian food then eat with gators on Miccosukee Territory before heading north. A caldo de bola may be the perfect food for the occasion or something beefy? er?

The flower gave me happy power and I shifted from guilt, insecurity, anger, resentment, regret, betrayal to chill, everything’s gonna be aight, future plans are exciting.

I love how masc i am. I am resolute, earnest, kindof a bro who explores w@nders here and there – me and my Sebas, we do cool shit like hang out with ants and feed squirrels and snakes. Sebas hates to get dirty but I get enough dirty for the both of us. We love dinosaurs – we get real petty super bro style. The way I love fem is masc. I take care of my shit 100!! Proud. I am mean. Like my standards are ill advised. But I’m stubborn. I love “boys'”/”men’s” cologne, clothes, Vans, Dr. Martens, Timberland boots, fútbol, basketball, Ultimate, football, rock climbing, muddin’, shootin’, dissecting dead animals and cooking, camping… ALL THAT IS MADE UP THO.

ALL THIS IS MADE UP TOO:

I love how fem I am. I defend the people I love warrior-style. That is my feminine energy. I am a nurturer, I’m clairvoyant, an empath, a puzzle maker, creator. Strong – literally, spiritually, mental fortitude like no other, physically stronger than most people I’m around.

I am fluid. I am not as others perceive me. Marimacha, Tomboy.

My intellect and sexuality and synesthesia is between sexes. My flexibility is also unique. I can twist and split and turn this way and that. I see inside out and downside upsides I SEE YOU your insecurities are so fuckin loud I am fluid gendered snappy witty far-reaching 20/20.

Had to play with fire and get burned
Only way the boy ever gon’ learn
Had to lay way in the cut, til I finally got my turn

My life is fucking incredible.

I built this with with so many people by my side pushing me through

to be better because they know better and taught me better

I love very hard so I’m totally happy with leaving some behind

we don’t have to be at the same pace on the same path

I don’t love you less

right now you needn’t be closer

I’m safer right here right now among my people who protect me

I’m where I need to be to learn and grow

seeding my futures

in this time of Great Awe

Hillsborough County

Total cases58,092+364Recovered-Deaths929+6

Florida

Total cases993K+7,363Recovered-Deaths18,499+58

United StatesUnited States

Total cases13.4M+136KRecovered-Deaths267K+818

WorldwideWorldwide

Total cases62.8MRecovered40.2MDeaths1.46M

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