100 days of Internalized Racial Gender and Sexual Inferiority


authentic self

Current Mood:

If any readers know me in real life and want to fill out 3 questions anonymously, there’s this:

About Me, An Inventory

Nice-sounding words I’ve thought about myself in various times and spaces included: pulchritudinous, good vibe, ratchet, honest, full of integrity, delicious, wacky, awe-inspiring, admirable, incredible, alluring, wise, a trip and a half, brilliant, ho, sloooooW, appealing, attractive, beautiful, smart, bewitching, charming, generous, fun, cute, harmonious, tasty, dazzling, quick, delightful, enticing, revolutionary, excellent, fascinating, foxy, good-looking, amazing, magical, sexy, adventurous, slutty, powerful, weird…

I should be dignified

I am

Red and Brown and Black and White

in so many iterations

India Negra Mulata Mestiza Montubia

oyen inglés

y escupen gringa, coconut, white-washed, prieta, chola

oyen español

hispanic spic beaner wetback prairieni**er latina/o/e/x border-crosser illegal immigrant who swam over

I am

my hair journey?

mis chorros de chorrona, rizos, curls, spirals, ringlets

Curl patterns hair textures hair densities hair porosity proteins sensitivity

3A/B/C curly spirally medium porosity texture density and some protein?

I am not my hair
I am not this skin
I am the soul that lives within

Untamed rowdy loud big nappy unprofessional unattractive and unclean hair

Is that your real hair? No way!

Just keep it back and away from our gaze

I am

a body dysmorphic disorder?

talk white, act white

bell pepper nose

Prieta machona tosca gruesa gorda gordita gordota masculina/e machona parece-pata broad shoulders itty bitty titties mosquito bites manly androgynous body of a twelve year old boy flabby flat-ass fat chubby no-neck too masc tomboy fat tight pu**y not femme enough wide fat hands thick fred-flinstone-feet must be Brazilian or Puerto Rican or Dominican

I am

sexually deviant?

Fuck like a man squeal like a girl cum too fast too slow moan too loud been with too many dudes hides women and gnc guarra dom and sub nympho Queer enough true switch not vanilla thirsty exotic lesbo erotic sensual wild untameable side piece pata the other woman fuckable but not marriage-material dyke sister-like friends-only but with benefits sometimes vulgar uncouth slut commie savage third world porch ni**er welfare queen mequetrefe pandillera hood ratchet gangsta grunge freaky thug asking-for-it always-wants-it

Yes and No






I love learning how to love

I wander and wonder to learn

I like to build community around shared liberation dreams

I am passionate about  expressing myself in a multitude of ways

I create, build, nurture, fight, nourish and write along the way about everything all the time on all kinds of surfaces with all different kinds of materials

I sang in choir, played chimes, piano, guitar, ukulele, basketball, volleyball, track, yoga, fútbol, climbed rocks, bouldered, Ultimate, half marathons, football, hike, swim….

My degrees, hobbies, affiliations, kin are not required




Manabas are

and always have been


since time immemorial

We are endemic to this continent

We mixed with Africans and Europeans who came just a few hundred years ago

I will not be explaining this to anyone anymore.


Fuck the academicization of my lived experiences


dealing with those trying to project their confused state of being on me

Participation in, with and for White European religions, patriarchy, capitalism, elitism/exclusivity/classism, rules, professionalism, is directly harmful to Black and Brown bodies. The material consequences of having proximity to Blackness everywhere (especially on this Land) includes dehumanizing and violence in many forms such as all this that I’ve experienced K-PHD:

  1. name policing
  2. phenotype policing
  3. language policing (speaking both Spanish and AAL is a double-edged sword and then White-accent mandated)
  4. Afro Indigenous religion ostracizing 
  5. security stalkers
  6. actual police being called on/about/to deal with me
  7. being followed by the police
  8. space allocation/removal
  9. assumed family dynamics
  10. assumed criminal behavior
  11. assumed life path
  12. stop and frisk
  13. divestment in my education, health, protection, basic care and concern (birth)

Do I see my experience as the U.S. Black experience? NO

Today I call myself Brown


BLACK LIVES MATTER and all that I am fights for Black Lives to Matter

Our epistemology and ontology is mixed and my family/community are racialized as both and either Black or Brown because race is not objective, inherent, or fixed. That is how and why I am currently racialized as either and both Black and Brown because race is a social construct that is not static. So, do I have Black phenotype? NO and YES depending on who you ask (light-skinned Indigenous folxs told me I’m “definitely Black in Tulsa”; White midwest dude said he thought I was “Latinx” as though it were a race)

It is a miXed varYing experience of Liminal o5ci\\@ting  s p a c e s

*People who do not protect or see/hear my body or police my body are unsafe

**You are not allowed in my life

punto final

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