50 days later

During OWS

During OWS in 2011 there was constant music and other noise, coffee made from bicycle peddling, food, clothing, housing sharing and distribution, and print screening. Close to Zuccotti Park were many touristy shops, one of which sold cheap I ❤ NYC tees, about $1 a piece if you bought bulk. I had the idea of printing on the famous tees and I loved the look. I threw out the stained tee just before leaving NYC this year not quite knowing the purpose for me keeping it any longer. I’ve been thinking about OWS and that time in my life where I pieced together my place and who I ought be. The journey of this version of myself began there, on my 25th birthday tattooing SOLIDARIDAD on my left rib-cage in red ink (which I am both allergic to and was told would look bad on my skin). I put it there, hide-able, to not be visible to all. This is my anti-colonial journey.

I forget to breathe

I forget to love loudly

I forget that I can interrupt generational trauma by healing

I forget to love myself

So many of you have taught me ways of healing

My Luz and my Lucia, Sam, Ayanna, Ruby, Angeli, Luis, Thomas, Marcos, Brian…

I forget to breathe

Joss told me it’s an air-sign quality

I was born under and Aquarius sun & moon

Someone told me Taurus rising, another told me Libra rising

Yall aint shocked – my movements are not hidden 

I forget to breathe

This affects everything from physical wellness

to clarity of thought

to behavior

At first glance or talk with me, you do not get all of me

My actions are not easily deciphered by everyone

I act out of need, not to show

I don’t interrupt you because I don’t like what you have to say

My brain is overloaded and you’ve just added to that load

I’m not upset with you

I interrupt when I can’t contain what’s in my head

It does not mean I love you less

On the contrary

I love that you’ve given me more to consider

I forget to breathe

I will still fight with you, not always visibly or out loud

 

Deleting you from social media is not an indication of my affinity for you

it is about safety

some of yall make me feel unsafe

Like my identities are cause for concern

Like my way of life deserves punishments or rewards

If you uphold the systems that oppress me and my people

I will love you from a distance only

 

I am constantly worried about my safety

YES, it is absolutely tied to all my unsafe experiences

I forget to breathe

this capitalist patriarchy taught me to hold my breath

to think without oxygen

to act without lifeforce

to follow its rules without understanding purpose or reason

 

I forget to breathe

but today I will remember to inhale life

and exhale the death of that detrimental way of being

 

Yesterday afternoon I had symptoms of allergies: sneezing, itching

Mid-night I had difficulty breathing and a headache
This morning I felt confusion, chest pressure, all-over-aches
I am scared
I hope that this basic food makes me well
Exif_JPEG_420
I have very high expectations of myself and everyone
I know I push much sometimes
I don’t know how to explain it all
except that it comes from profound love and the search for justice
I’m here for the REVOLUTION and if that ain’t you then that ain’t you
Max was down for the rEV ❤ Lution
He and I chose “North” during whatever activity they had us doing at orientation. We both immediately gravitated there i and didn’t bulge. It is not that we are impulsive We’ve been considering and weighing options since before questions are asked
So we remain ready for action.
Max is on my mind because I saw myself through him
We had a couple fights
The day he passed – he wouldn’t answer his phone and we had 2 projects to worry about – I told him I would just show up to his home and force him to work
He liked to work late at night or random hours but I don’t like being around others at night or random times (I need a lot of alone time)
And we had some profoundly loving moments
One of the last things he said to me:
“You’re a bitch but I still love you and we need you”
We literally organized a BLM rally the week he told me that
but I kept my distance from Max from day 1 because I saw so much of myself in and with him
He respected me the way I wanted to be
Showed me he loved me and told me he loved me
Showed me appreciation and told me so
but I wanted to be far away from the fighting when I first began phd school
I wanted to deny myself pleasures in order to be focused
I didn’t trust that we would not lead each other to trouble
we both had similar experiences with substance abuse
I was scared to sacrifice myself with him for the struggle

No one else in my cohort felt like Max

I may just be sick from insomnia patterns that interrupt my current obligations of teaching – panel discussion participant preparation and Comp2 revising plus diss writing simultaneous to diss proposal writing, writing groups, blog writing, art making, finding a breath of fresh air
So many people are out and about without masks or gloves, talking, coughing, laughing eating spitting… all over Florida….
it is terrifying
terrific stems from the same roots
odd
Cases overview
Hillsborough County
Confirmed
1,473
Recovered
Deaths
41
Florida
Confirmed
41,923
+941
Recovered
Deaths
1,779
+44
United StatesUnited States
Confirmed
1.4M
+21,475
Recovered
237K
Deaths
83,115
+1,463
WorldwideWorldwide
Confirmed
4.29M
+82,591
Recovered
1.51M
Deaths
293K
+4,261

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