Testimonio Day 25

Current Mood: Welcome to Jamrock x Damian “Jr. Gong” Marley

I appreciate la medicina de Pachamama helping me be more vulnerable. Yupachani ❤

My parents created a time capsule for us with traces of our baby hands and feet. In it, I wrote at one point that I wanted to be a doctor and, at another childhood moment, a writer. Around the time I got Zlata’s Diary A Child’s Life in Wartime Sarajevo at a Scholastic Book Fair (I was maybe 8-9), I got my first diary. “Writer” was one of my first clear identities.

I write for posterity’s sake

This is my testimonio

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Too many Floridians, Michiganders and others don’t give a fuck about nobody. I notice that, not only is everywhere packed (I see cars everywhere from Michael’s craft store to McDonald’s to blocked off parks and beaches), but also very few people wear masks or gloves. I limit my car outings to once a week. Today I went out twice – once to pick up a wireless vacuum for our home in the morning after my 10am writing group and 11 am yoga and then after a celebration of “Mama T,” my 4pm writing group, our first Amigas de Alma Zoom session and dinner at my bro’s:

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I’m mostly enjoying the isolation except for it’s not as quiet or peaceful as I’d hoped. I was super curious about one of my favorite hidden islands, for example (I’m a brat and needed to check). Florida is physically an ideal spot – I trust the land – plus there is so much cool shit and aesthetically pleasing and healing spiritual… so I went to see if the beach was busy since politicians are announcing openings. PACKED. Less than a handful of masks and gloves. WHAT THE FUCK?! Luckily I did not leave my car and had the windows remained rolled up (minus on the highway, cos duh, windows down at 80 is thatjackasslife I grew up being part of).IMG_20200417_151410_HDR

Maybe my idiocies are as bad as the CoVID19 Stay-at-Home-demands. Today, I remembered the muddin I grew up with also. My high school BFF (who was born 35 years and 1 day ago) had a big truck out in the boonies. We’d do a lot of crazy shit  – sometimes dangerous. I for sure am still not allowed out of the car or alone in some parts of Florida. Side story: One of my first high school crushes, I found out too late, was trying to join the KKK (my BFF found out in her neck of the woods). Heh. That woulda been awkward #tryingtolearnhowtolovetruly #Bokey2003!! I’ve been driving for TWENTY YEARS and today I’m wondering: Is that why I drive like an asshole sometimes? Not everyone thinks I drive like an asshole. I think I’m great (esp since I’ve never caused an accident and have ever only gotten a few speeding or parking tickets)….

Today I also realized that some of my habits may be generational. For example, several (younger) folxs have commented or asked why or how I can listen to the same songs on repeat or reread a book or rewatch stuff often. I don’t get it. I listen, read, watch to learn and I learn in this way; why must learning appear the same? I learned to read and write Spanish through hearing papi’s favorite speeches and songs and transcribing them under his direction. Repeating is how learning happened. I hated it then but I’m very grateful now. I also learned which music I valued and loved this way. I spent hours with friends and siblings listening to our favorites and rewinding, pausing, replaying and fast-forwarding cassettes to learn all the raps and lyrics.

It shouldn’t be surprising that my way of being is odd to some people; I know that schools “measure” speed, accuracy, flow and comprehension and push people to accept one way of learning in some spaces. I’ve been labeled a “fast learner” and “slow” because I learned how to do school – studenting was easy enough to pick up – but then began not giving a shit about such a simple, unchallenging system. I knew schools weren’t equipping me with life-skills or even much problem-solving skills. I knew early on that teachers valued knowledges and ways of being vastly different than I.

Unchallenged me is quite a sight

you can’t bend or push me towards your vision

if I don’t give a shit

You can’t make me do a lick of work

if I do not believe in your mission

I’m quite similar to many of the students I’ve had and meet regularly

I see through you

You hate it, I see it

I see/know much more than I let on

why is that shocking?

All of this comes up as

I consider how I left the place

I call home

where I am surrounded by fighting folxs

like me

…in exchange, I’m now at a place where people are comfortable with the “American Dream” delusion.

Drive with your hands on 10 and 2.

Don’t color outside the lines or someone will call the cops on you.

ACAB graffiti is pointless, looks ugly or bothers you

but I’m instructing you to listen to rule-breakers more than just bothered fools

Why are people writing on walls from Berlin to Ecuador to South Africa and NYC?

Ask yourself why some folxs call themselves defenders of land and sea

It is not aberrational to be upset with children for failing tests at school during a worldwide pandemic. THAT IS NORMAL HERE. It bothers me but, as a non-parent, I can’t say shit to no-one. I cannot be upset that people are more excited about my dating status and my selfies than struggles to make schools better. I need to keep reminding myself who are my comrades – who does work with not against me? There is comfort out there:

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As I practice keeping my mouth shut even with very real research and educatedwhateverthefuckithink…. music and my other arts help. René doing music with his Mami and all this brought tears of joy:

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“The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. The most wretched servile, miserable, pathetic trash that was ever shat intae creation.” – Irvine Welsh

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