Current mood: 90s Hip Hop
This lifestyle is enjoyable for me. I wish I had enough money to live on my own, but other than that, I truly enjoy just zooming with some folxs 2-3 times a week. That’s more than enough of other people in my head (alone with all I read) per week.
Everything I ate yesterday and today have made me feel gross. *deep breaths
I swear this one particular squirrel loves Hip Hop. I got the Chronic (2000) on and there have been many animals moving about but this one curiosite me mira. They get on two feet and joined their hands.
There is trepidation. Am I too close to the gators in the lake? Stupidly, I wonder if I could take the one whose head keeps popping up to watch me. I’m about double you! I think it’s the size one of my legs, ass to toes, their snout to tail tip. Maybe longer? I also have a pocket knife which is maybe like one of their teeth’s power equivalent, if I remain hopeful. Not optimistic.
So I came back to the spot where I once felt power aside these wondrous other beings and I’m writing here and in just two more spots. I swore not to open too many window for fear of overwhelming myself and here I am. Proudly, only 23 tabs open in ONE electronic device.
I had to leave the gators because one jumped up. This one was about the size of my calf – I feel like I could step on his face with ease. But what the fuck do I know about the art of becoming gator food.
My thoughts have drifted into how Tennesse feels very southern, immediately. The drawls, the gits, right quicks, the “bawled peanuts”…
During my caffeinated blazed run this morning all of this came out:
…Rot in pieces? Uhhh that’s great…
There were too many people out here. Damn sunshine makes us all defiant. I will try again tomorrow earlier so I can avoid more of them? No sé. For a minute I just enjoyed a quiet spot I found over a small hill next to a man-made lake. Instead of running on the trail like the 8-10 bodies or more I saw I decided to just cut straight through the field.
When I run, I run/jog/walk for a few songs or if I’m in a cool, safe spot like the mazes in NYC, I’ll choose a spot, like, the Wycoff hospital or the metaDen. Sometimes I just run till I’m tired and then force myself back at half the pace. I run morning, mid-day, evening or just before dawn. I don’t run with people – if anything, I can do one other person and there must be significant space between us or headphones on each of us. I prefer not running inside or near other working out people (I don’t mind people at a distance and doing anything else). I do not enjoy observing other people working out when I am. Also, in general, I don’t like more than one person around me at a time.
Today my thoughts drifted from not being fearful of gators or snakes and kinda feeling annoyed by people who put things about liking/wanting someone who likes killing animals on dating profiles. I’ve deleted all dating apps since leaving NYC so don’t have to look at those profiles any longer (truly only saw those apps in Michigan and it’s very gendered).
I need to feel solidarity or….I don’t even want you in my life.
In-Visibility -> Visibility -> Hyper-Visibility -> Exaggerated Visibility
Not seen -> Seen -> Super Watched -> Wants to be Seen
* * Please, I invite anyone who reads anything I write to be critical, to challenge me and or to keep the conversation going, always, (esp artivism) towards Black Liberation and Indigenous Sovereignty. * *
The above seemingly mathematical representation is anything but. The above is me trying to analyze the (mis)treatment of racialized people. By law of colonialism, society is instructed, educated and reminded daily in multiple multisensory ways to ignore and or silence and or erase some people; to normalize a small percentage; scrutinize and or police others; and some invisibilized folxs fight to exist in whatever loud way they want in the process of trying to survive this structure. As I understand/work thru this today:
Visibility, hypervisibility, and invisibility are not mutually exclusive.
People can be visible in one context and invisible in another, or they might be simultaneously hypervisible as outsiders and invisible with regard to having authority (Lollar,2015;Stead, 2013)
Internalized racialization is acting within the belief that (at various degrees and in various ways) there are races, which exist in a hierarchal order. This manifests itself as People of Color participating in the normalization and non aberrational delusional White supremacy mentality, believing and living as tho Euro White norms and ways of being are best for everyone, including non-Euro Whites (Warren 2012; Me, 2019). In the process, there is often a denigration of all that is in proximity unless it convergeces with the interests of Euro White folxs.Examples of such: PoC following/believing “standard” English; “professionalism;” “proper;” linear time; binary paradigms; beauty standards
Internalized racial inferiority is People of Color acting within internalized racialization, where there is uncritical adherence to European White cultural ways of beings, rules, norms and ideas and definitions of what is “good” or “bad” due to the belief that racialization (and the hierarchy) is inevitable and or part of progress and or “it works” and or “it’s just the way it is.” Examples of such: your definition of “grit”;
Internalized racial superiority is White people acting within internalized racialization, where there is uncritical adherence to European White cultural ways of beings, rules, norms and ideas and definitions of what is “good” or “bad” due to the belief that racialization (and the hierarchy) is inevitable and or part of progress and or “it works” and or “it’s just the way it is.” Examples of such: you think your name is “normal”; “Beckys“; “Karens“;
Invisibility: Social and professional exclusion and epistemic exclusion (i.e., lack of recognition for achievements)
- often disadvantages marginalized group members by denying them recognition, legitimacy, authority, and voice (Lewis & Simpson, 2010;Simpson & Lewis,2005)
- works in favor of dominant group members because that which is “normal is unmarked, unnoticed…” (Brighenti, 2007, p. 326). For dominant group members, invisibility reinforces these norms, leaves their privilege unquestioned and unchallenged, and allows them to maintain their power and authority(Simpson & Lewis, 2005)
- dominant groups can render marginalized groups invisible and/or hypervisible to maintain their privilege; this process of delegitimizing marginalized groups is especially likely to occur
- (in)visibility is engaged in relationship with others and can be strategic, with individuals deciding when to blend in (i.e., be invisible) and when to stand out (i.e., be visible; Stead, 2013).
- when marginalized group members manage their visibility by keeping some aspects of themselves hidden, it is often with trade oﬀs to their sense of authenticity and belongingness within the organization or social group.
- Strategic Invisibility (i.e., disengaging with colleagues while remaining engaged with their scholarly activities) to remove themselves from negative environments
- Working Harder to prove themselves, counter exclusion, and create positive visibility
- Disengagement (i.e., removed effort from work)’ (Settles, et al., 2018).
Visibility: the extent to which an individual is fully regarded and recognized by others (Brighenti, 2007;Simpson & Lewis,2005)
Hyper visibility: “scrutiny based on perceived diﬀerence, which is usually (mis)interpreted as deviance”(Ryland, 2013, p. 2222) and is the result of an individual being recognized for their ‘otherness’ or deviance from the norm. It is associated with heightened scrutiny and surveillance where failures are magniﬁed and individuals lack control over how they are perceived by others (Brighenti, 2007;Kanter, 1977); poc treated as tokens in some cases of hypervisibilty and are held to very high standards (as reps of their race)
Exaggerated visibility: For posterity’s sake; Fighting to exist in the future. Adding value to one’s worth (as imposed upon under neoliberalism#YHLQMDLG
marginalized groups seek to increase their visibility as a means of gaining recognition and power (Simpson & Lewis, 2005)