amar: final year?

Current Mood: Mayores x Becky G y Bad Bunny

La Primavera has been dream-like so far. My whole body feels romanced even as I’ve become more of a recluse and am not currently dating anyone. In and out of my studies, I’ve been constructing my idea of (a)mar in the last 4 years. I think that I’ve stopped searching for the equation and have begun trusting my instincts. Reciprocal love of any kind is amazing – I love being in it. I’m great in it. In it, I hope. There is psychic chemistry between us in it. There’s magic. I’ve been moving towards romantic love lately because something keeps reminding me that I am ready.

May has me feeling affectionate, romantic, seductive, amorous… less doubty, ha.

As I prepare to leave Michigan, I sit with what I have learned about what love looks and feels like. I have not met many people that move me these past 4 years but the ones that have made me feel, it’s been wondrous. I don’t know if it’s age, but all kinds of relationships seem much harder. Maybe I’ve upped my standards? I would like to be surrounded by people at least committed to one of my passions. I don’t yield easy. Convince me. I hate to admit it but I can be totally Southern Belle at times. Rarer and rarer that I actually get to play the role.

A mí me gusta que me traten como dama 
Aunque de eso se me olvide cuando estamos en la cama 
A mí me gusta que me digan poesía 
Al oído por la noche cuando hacemos groserías

Out loud, I rarely admit that I enjoy the gentleman/lady things – not the attitude, the air of the traditional man that wants a “lady” but I do love the chase, the holding doors, them paying for things, them making moves… I’ve been treated like-, called Diosa, by people who expect nothing in return.

It brings me great pleasure to please my lover in all the ways. When they’re not arrogant and or policing my behaviors or ideas, I love spoiling the object of my affection. When it’s reciprocal love I will do everything to support them, cook their favorites, surprise them with that gift they were wishing for, do those bedroom things at their beck and call, uninhibited, vulnerable…

Me gusta un caballero 
Que sea interesante 
Que sea un buen amigo 
Pero más un buen amante 
¿Qué importa unos años de más?

My 8th grade BF, at 13, wrote me letters; he once made a list of ten things he hates and loves about me and explained, “Even though I like one side better I love both sides of you.” My Colombian wrote me songs and poetry – we’d talk for hours on the phone, sometimes playing music with each other. Daniel and I met during Occupy among mutual friends and comrades; his passion for Black Lives and anti-capitalism is sexy af. Sam is patient, kind, insightful; she knows just how to pick me up when no one else can. Aaron and I bonded over our redneck ways and his gentleman-ways were never sexist; he taught me about consent and he and I had wild fun.

A mí me gustan mayores 
De esos que llaman señores 
De los que te abren la puerta 
Y te mandan flores
I will embark on a journey, Chicago first, then either northeast or southwest before getting to Florida. Hopefully I will be able to do some soul searching or love-journeying in our Ecuador, like my father once did, the end of June or July and then see Argentina with a new-ish Ecuadorian Friend.
This is PhD year 5.

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