Seeing 3: Year 5

Current Mood: Never Going Back Again x Fleetwood Mac

This month is bountiful. Politically some very ugly shit is happening across the globe – en nuestro Abya Yala. Pero pa mi? Strangers have complimented my hair, my clothes/jewelry, my “great voice,” a “wonderful light about” me, my food and my art appreciated, and I have been spending a lot of time with my extended family, which has been uplifting. Some past lovers have apologized and have re-entered my life much kinder, showing gratitude. And to top it off, I had another great, memorable job interview last week. I need to learn how to negotiate salary is all…

Tiernx has become more of an inspiration source again and the sadness and anger I was feeling has transformed into thoughtfulness.

My nails and hair seem more than double in strength – Grazie Luna. My body has changed again – my chocolate skin and eyes mesmerize and I need to stop eating chocolate; days at the gym feel very good. I’m increasing my strength and mobility.

Tattoo: from Tahitian/Samoan tatau, Marquesan tatu “puncture, mark made on skin”

On ukulele, I learned “Never Going Back Again” by Fleetwood Mac and I’m excited to get my finger tips calloused, to become more agile with my hands, again.

I went for a moon-lit hand-in-hand walk with my mami just now and it was lovely. I appreciate the maturing relationship I’m having with my family. It seems like I may still shock, upset, and or worry them each but they’re giving me the space, food and comforts I need to heal and thrive.

You don’t know what it means to win
Come down and see me again

I’m quite proud of professional choices these past few years. Every academic and artistic submission I’ve sent has been accepted (3 in ed, 2 artistic, possibly a 2nd author in sociology), published because I pay attention to what editors and publishers look for and what I can offer and don’t submit without a call. Similarly, every job I’ve interviewed for this year has been zero scary and all delightful (even though I only got a part time job starting in January and not a job I very much wanted). Even just being insecure and vulnerable felt normal and was encouraged in interviews – I could let my guard down and be honest (even critical of myself) in productive ways. I hope to hear back from a NYC job tomorrow or soon and I’m wishful about seeing “Congratulations” and “We are going to offer you 100k!”

Ahhhhh….. dreams do come true 🙂

So I’m putting in work but not obsessing. Feeling happy about my professional life is carrying me rn. I needed this up!

I’m purposefully not going to even mention my PhD progression because I’ll become angry…

So, not totally random, but I’ve also been blessed with multiple dreams about possible new lovers and great sex. I’m trying to look more for the new. Moving forward by gazing back to keep learning from myself. I can almost feel the autumn bringing me a warm body (perhaps to cuddle me like my Tiernx did). It’s unreal, to me, how much I miss my kitty. I did not even conceive of such pain like this. I know part of it is the loneliness – like I literally miss their companionship, our roadtrips were epic – and I’m correctly using the word!! (exaggerating the punctuation, of course 😉

I hope my job skills transfer to the romantic realm – I’m still unsure about the language  – perhaps shy about it… I am ready to love and to be loved and to share resources and support and just be my whole self with a whole person. It is very important for me to be around people who are proud of their life choices. Complainers, naysayers, whatever just get annoying. I have previously just disliked “working” for relationships – like I didn’t value romance before and it shows with all the partnerships I’ve had. It is difficult dating as an educated woman of Color but I am not apologetic. I still never dumb myself down or avoid controversial topics. “Be courageous!” I think to tell them. “I’m a good person with a great life and I’m more fun and creative than most people, don’t you want this around you? I will dedicate part of my life to helping you thrive and I’m pretty awesome in bed. So, what if I’m a bit strange or annoying – isn’t it cute?”

I’m currently talking to a “someday wants to get a master’s in ed” guy. It’s been a couple weeks and the conversation is about him 99% of the time. I don’t like most of his educational views but I appreciate him thinking through them with me. Still, it’s odd when I can’t figure out if romantic or platonic is the goal. WTF are we doing? I’m not really looking for more friends, gtfoh. I love listening to people that I’m interested in, don’t people wonder if I’m a decent intelligent human being? How would they know?When people don’t ask questions, they make me nervous. Wouldn’t it be better to know if I’m a shallow bigot before hanging out? Does anyone actually read anything I write anywhere (like my profile)? How did you expect me to be? Why are you shocked?

Well my standards have risen again, either way. I know what is good for me and the world around me and I know how to put in time to work well partnerships. If there’s trust and respect and great sex, there’s nothing we can’t do.

Been down one time
Been down two times
I’m never going back again

 

Dear Cis Hetero Men Allies

Do you consider yourself a feminist? An alley? Abolitionist? Do you theoretically believe that women are your equals? Are the women you picture yourself allied to Black? Trans?

I’m open minded, you may say.

Even, I make space for women!

But do the women in your life challenge you? Do you accept it? Does it bother you when a woman calls you out? Are your female friends congratulatory of your super-social-justice powers?

You are one of a few cis-men who “get it”? some may say.

The “only” “woke” guy around!

But do you have yourself some ratchet girl friends? Do they criticize you directly? Loudly? Unapologetically? Do you stand up for them? Would you fuck/respect/marry a kinky, slutty, ratchet putita who likes to be called/treated as such in the bedroom? Do you understand that she still requires consent?

Why does saying Black Lives Matter feel weird to you?

Is there still a very rigid, antiquated definition of “respectability” in your mind?