5^2 + X

Current Mood: Fugees, The Score

I am most proudest that last year something I made went for a truly good cause. I love letting our youth lead. I’ve been waiting all my life to feel like this. I like me in my 30s, what’s that phrase? My activism is rent for being alive and well. It is not a part of my syllabus. stop telling me to rearrange this. put it in a certain order that my PLATANOS can only be written about in that space. ¡Te pongo una receta en el tal dissertation, y tu te lo comes! I have one grey pube and an unusually long grey right eye lash. 9 piercings and 7 tattoos. All odd numbers. Three pieces of jewelry have survived the last year with me. Liminal spaces. Rings and necklaces and bracelets, anklets were in for a while, but in our house, my parents had no use of rings or any jewelry; nobody knows where anything from el primo de Texas se fue. I think fulano gave it to his baby mama – they gettin married in, like, June. What is exactly the point of a marriage? Who benefits from that union? We choose each other. We do not marry for love. We marry to create the future. This is why it happens with very select people.

* Los mayores instruct that we pick a partner that is good for our community… part of the reason I moved back to New York is because I was always surrounded by people who pushed me forward, alongside, held me, kept me close, nearby… we hold each other up here. I’m nearing an age where I want companionship, reciprocal relationships so this is all on mind…

I’m proud that my sister and I shared a room once more. Like 25 years ago – we had some splendid fights back then – this time, more peaceful. We are also just so old. We have zero energy to talk about too much. We both have workaholic tendencies and when the switch happens it’s tough to spin the wheel patras. So I had an interesting time in tourist spots in Cape Town (I was prohibited from seeing the real South Africa) for a week. Made a friend names Genius. Friggin made out with this great revolutionary in front of solidarity plans and like mobilizing, organizing… yada yada in Berlin. Did a lot of writing and diss stuff too while there. Saw and made lots of art. We got couple massages and went to a couple movies in uniquely cute annoying movie theatres. We did Beethoven’s land ❤ Maybe this is our stalemate part of life. That brilliant BumbleBee of mine!! I’ve definitely been that turd little sister who uses your toothbrush casually cause you don’t even understand why that’s repulsive. I loved invading her spaces in Europe!! I loved us cooking together and her buying me a lot of food and candy. Joy has few components for me. Sense stimulation is in that equation for sure. Her friends were chill, I loved smoking in Belgium and everywhere. Loved learning about the Congolese, Matonge community – hung out with some dope folks there.

Who said family don’t bend
We stay silent till the end
Now who would think that your best friend
Would be your worst enemy and your enemy your best friend
Stare into the air inspiration from the atmosphere

I have 3 academic publications, 4 (?) creative pieces, 2 or 3 press releases (no one keeps track of that), a few poems, I’ve taught all age groups, birth through our elders in FL, NYC, Shanghai, Michigan, next week California. I don’t know all of their feedback about my educator strengths and weakness – I know that I see tremendous growth in some people, when I’m around them. More importantly, I’m acutely aware of who inspires outstanding growth in me. It’s taken me all this time to figure it out. No submissions have been rejected. No conference proposal either. I have 1/3 amazing jobs I applied for. Doy testimonio, I am witness to anti-colonial employer/potential employee relationships. The three interviews I’ve pursued were warming experiences where I felt good about myself. I’ve worked babysitting, tutoring, writing people’s essays, test preparation, the Chamber of Commerce, Radio Shack, landscaping, marketing, campaigned for Kerry, painting houses, art framing, UPS, banquet serving, bar tending, Panera, chiropractice secretary, dentist nanny…. none of those jobs treated me as well even during application. I’ve also dated some wretched pathetic trash but I’m no longer ashamed. It is not my fault. I absofuckinlutely blame his trash mom and dad. That liar abuser will get his. Got me a HS diploma, AA BA MSEd 5th year PhD, I’m on 3 hate websites, got my first piece of hate snail mail. experienced physical and mental abuse on the border, some asshole smashed food on my door, a nasty ytrash jerk killed my Tiernx. Tiernx changed my life and helped me grow on my terms. First we healed each other. I overcame sleep deprivation due to their tenderness. I (hope I) helped him heal from worms, near-starvation, abuse. She definitely taught me a little something about fighting. Someone hated us so much they ended our life together. I’ve been very sad all this time.

I sit ninety degrees underneath palm trees
Smokin’ beadies as I burn my calories
Brooklyn roof tops become Brooklyn tee-pees
Who that be, enemies, wanna see the death of me

Joy full. I enjoy life often and I no longer feel guilt about it. I am done with trauma porn, the Hub has way better clips for us. These past 4 years have been difficult, above else, because of thee constant policing of my body. We all keep telling you this. IT IS LITERAL. YES. Everyone is reading about my people finally, catching up… jumping in, taking up, pushing out, profiting off of… So we fuck shit up. My people. My compas. Las vidas y muertes. Comrades. My ride or die peeps. We show up and fight hard. So when my body tells me, now I know I don’t have to prove shit to nobody.

Oba – obaserving the ‘ypocrites – yeah! –
Mingle with the good people we meet, yeah!
Good friends we have, oh, good friends we have lost
Along the way, yeah!
In this great future, you can’t forget your past;
So dry your tears, I seh. Yeah!

Jacobo once told me, “You a thug. Thug means never having to apologize.”

Dear Cis Hetero Men Allies

Do you consider yourself a feminist? An alley? Abolitionist? Do you theoretically believe that women are your equals? Are the women you picture yourself allied to Black? Trans?

I’m open minded, you may say.

Even, I make space for women!


But do the women in your life challenge you? Do you accept it? Does it bother you when a woman calls you out? Are your female friends congratulatory of your super-social-justice powers?

You are one of a few cis-men who “get it”? some may say.

The “only” “woke” guy around!

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But do you have yourself some ratchet girl friends? Do they criticize you directly? Loudly? Unapologetically? Do you stand up for them? Would you fuck/respect/marry a kinky, slutty, ratchet putita who likes to be called/treated as such in the bedroom? Do you understand that she still requires consent?

Why does saying Black Lives Matter feel weird to you?

Is there still a very rigid, antiquated definition of “respectability” in your mind?